Note: This is a guest post from Mark Foo of 77 Success Traits

“The beauty of empowering others is that your own power is not diminished in the process,” said Barbara Coloroso. This is an idea that has held true throughout much of my experience. In fact, empowering other people puts out the positive vibes into the atmosphere that will be returned to you, not in any sort of karmic sense necessarily, but in terms of improving your own sense of self-awareness and confidence. This can be achieved in a number of little ways that can range from simply boosting someone else’s mood to helping them realize new aspects of their personalities. We are all in this life together, and helping others achieve their goals can get our own on track.

The following are 50 little things you can do to empower other people and get started down this path.

1. Give out compliments that you mean. Most people can see straight through a phony compliment, but if you think your friend looks especially nice today with that new hairstyle, tell her so. Just be open and direct in your interactions.

2. Speak and act with honesty. If you always speak with integrity and believe in your own words and actions, others will also pick up on this and mimic it, fostering an atmosphere of trust.

3. Listen to others. Always listen to what other people say. I used to zone out when others were speaking but now make a point of looking into their eyes and listening to their words, which has made a world of difference in personal interactions.

4. Help illustrate your points with visual aids. When leading a meeting or presentation, realize that many other people are visual learners. My girlfriend can’t understand a concept without a diagram to back it up.

5. Teach a class. If you have a skill or knowledge to share, why not teach your own class that helps spread it to others?

6. Get involved in community art projects. Artistic projects in the community are a great way to help get everyone involved in making the city a more beautiful place to live, instilling a sense of pride in all residents.

7. Mentor a child or student. Getting involved in one child’s life, especially if they are at-risk, helps you both make connections throughout your lifetime.

8. Volunteer with local organizations. These can be community discussion groups or of a more volunteer-oriented nature.

9. Lead a group on a travel expedition. My friend works for the local art museum leading groups of the elderly on art-oriented field trips around town and abroad, which helps everyone connect and learn something new.

10. Donate money to charity. If you have extra money, helping organize a fund for a pet cause helps bring the community together.

11. Help the spread of community health clinics. This can be done by volunteering yourself, or donating money. Either way, it can be vital in helping those who have problems affording health care to realize that they are still valued individuals and that their health matters.

12. Take the time to talk to strangers. That conversation that is simply small talk to you can mean a lot to someone else who is shy or feels that their opinion isn’t taken into consideration often enough.

13. Start a non-profit. This is a project that can be difficult but ultimately rewarding not only for you but for the others who become involved as well, helping you all to work together towards an ultimate goal.

14. Travel abroad and make new friends. Getting out there as an ambassador of sorts in the world helps you connect with others who may want to learn more about your culture but otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity. This ends up being a learning experience for both parties involved.

15. Reach out to friends and relatives at a distance. If you have lost touch with loved ones, give them a call and let them know that someone is thinking of them.

16. Be aware of body language. Your body language sends a strong message to others, so be aware if you have your arms folded across your chest while you talk that you are shutting others out, for example.

17. Be sincere. Your sincerity will help to make people feel appreciated.

18. Nurture talent in others. If you notice someone has a talent that they aren’t putting to use, let them know. Gently offer suggestions of where they may go to learn more. If the child you are mentoring is constantly doodling, for example, get them signed up for an art class.

19. Go out and support local musicians. In every city there are unimaginable numbers of young struggling musicians who could be the next Beatles if given the chance. I’ve seen some amazing live acts recently by picking a name out of the listings and simply turning up in support.

20. Give thoughtful gifts. When giving gifts during birthdays or the holidays, take the time to think about what the person might really need or appreciate.

21. Join a community farm or grocery coop. Working together to provide fresh, sustainable food for the community is one of the hot trends in some community organizations.

22. Volunteer in schools. Though it might sound cliché, young people are our future indeed, and helping out in schools that are struggling financially can make a big difference in a young person’s life. Be a positive role model.

23. Stay in touch with local politics. Helping others get empowered means also being kept up to date with the latest in what is going on in your own town.

24. Throw dinner parties with a mixed range of guests. Get together a group of people who don’t necessarily know each other yet but you feel that their personalities might mesh well together. This is how we learn from one another.

25. Smile more often. There is an anonymous quote that states, “A smile confuses an approaching frown.”

26. Use public transportation. Not only is this better for the environment, but it gives you a chance to interact more with the community.

27. Organize recycling projects. This helps give back to the community and teaches people about the need to respect our natural environment, which is empowering for all.

28. Run a benefit event. Leading a team of volunteers; set up a means for raising money for a cause that you all are interested in. This can be a chain reaction, with the volunteer team then feeling more empowered to go a step further with its own charity efforts.

29. Project positivity and eliminate negative thoughts. This positivity will then be returned by others.

30. Join a book group or club. The exchange of ideas tends to be helpful for all people involved, and can spark new business or interpersonal ideas in between all of you.

31. Start or join a language exchange program. This helps foster feelings of competency in a foreign country for someone who may be feeling like an outsider, and also helps you build your own language skills.

32. Lead team-building exercises at work. This can go beyond old-fashioned trust falls to more imaginative retreats. My friend recently led his team out in a wild-mushroom foraging expedition, which was a unique way for them to learn something new as well as get to know each other, in a beautiful outdoor setting.

33. Encourage social activities. Get new social activities planned within your group of friends, your family, or in a larger community sense.

34. Initiate physical contact. In this society in particular, there is a hesitance to touch one another. By simply placing a hand on someone’s shoulder, you are helping to reconnect with that person.

35. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them. Don’t wait till it’s too late to let someone you love know how you feel about him or her. Life is wonderful but short.

36. Make sure the atmosphere at work is a democratic one. Let everyone’s opinion be heard, and be sure to give feedback to their ideas.

37. Nod your head when someone is making a point. A simple piece of non-verbal communication like this can help inspire someone to move forward in the discussion more.

38. Help foster creativity. If someone is talented, tell them so. Andy Warhol was notoriously shy as a child and perhaps would never have branched out to become the powerful artist he is now known as if someone had not said a few words of encouragement to him in his early art classes.

39. Run meetings with an open, discussion oriented atmosphere. Whether at work or in a larger community sense, let everyone know their opinion is valued.

40. Have suggestions ready for those who need advice. This means taking the time to think about your own behavior, past mistakes, and how you’ve moved forward. With this information in hand, you will be well equipped to advise others.

41. Take walks to new areas of town. I’ve met some of my good friends by simply walking around in their neighborhood and having to ask for directions.

42. Spend time planting trees in the community. This helps improve the overall beauty and positive feelings in the city, instilling a sense of pride in other residents.

43. Set up a food or blanket drive. This helps others in the community and empowers the other volunteers by letting them see they can make a difference.

44. Learn inspiring quotes that can be doled out. As Bill Gates once said, “The vision is really all about empowering workers.”

45. Learn new listening techniques. This can be a combination of proper responses and cocking your head at the right time to show someone else their opinion matters.

46. Study psychology. A friend of mine went back to school to be a psychologist in order to reach out to people on a scientific level, but even a few basics of human behavior are both interesting and can help you be more effective in interpersonal communications.

47. Give a helping hand. Whether it’s helping someone who fell to get back up, or picking up something that spilled in the supermarket, it shows you care, which is empowering.

48. Give encouragement instead of criticism. Dale Carnegie said, “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.” Every one of us has the magic power of empowering other people simply by generously giving praise and showing encouragement instead of criticism to help them realize their potential.

49. Take time for yourself to help others. By taking the time to sit and reflect upon my own actions each day, I find I’m better able to mentally be available for others when out in public or at home with my family. You can do the same.

50. Learn intervention techniques. In the event that someone you know is struggling with addiction, this is a way to help them get over it and empower themselves to get back on track.

Do you have any tip on how we can empower other people? Please share with us in the comment section below.

Discover how to achieve all that you want in life in The 77 Traits of Highly Successful People. Mark Foo has brought together 48 personal development bloggers and writers to co-author this success eBook that spells out all the success secrets. Claim your FREE copy of the eBook now at http://www.77SuccessTraits.com.

Photo by Yodel Anecdotal

photo credit: Xhanatos

“All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth.” – Percy Bysshe Shelley

Its the 1940’s and our man, now just a small boy, is growing up in a middle class family with a bunch of brothers and sisters. Mom stays at home while dad goes to work. He brings home a very good income. Our man, still a small boy, is smart, athletic and showing a lot of potential. Everything is going swimmingly. As he grows up he plays sports, studies hard and looks after his siblings. Around age 14 his mother gets sick. A year later she is dead. Everything begins to fall to pieces.

A new mother
Within the year his father had remarried and this woman brings along two children of her own. She hated our man (now 15) and his brothers and sisters. She wants their father all to themselves. She does whatever she can to make their lives miserable; manipulated them against each other and against their dad. The father is too busy to notice that anything was wrong, he is absorbed in his own misery, too focused on diluting the grief with work. The things she did to our man would, these days, be classified as physical and emotional abuse.

At age 16 our man sits his final school exams having been skipped ahead a year due to his exceptional mind. He heads home happy in the knowledge that he will get a place at University in any course that he wants. He has done well. He can’t wait to see how proud his father will be. His wished his mother was there to see. As he walks up the darkened street towards home, bathed in moon and street light, he can see two box-like figures on his porch. What are they? As he gets closer he realizes they are suitcases. On top of the first one is a note from his step mother, “I have packed your things. Time to move out. Don’t bother coming inside“.

Un-Coping
This stage of his life is called un-coping. In reality, it probably extends well beyond the initial grief and lasts until the day he dies. He never really gets over the loss of his mother. He wasn’t taught how. There were no goodbyes, no post-death counseling sessions and very little support from his father. It was the 1950’s and 60’s and no one talked about emotions, feelings or how to deal with a loss. You just got on with it.

So that’s what he did. He got on with it. He got on with drinking alcohol and gambling. He got on with meeting lots of women. But none of them dulled the pain forever and none of the girls replaced his mother. They didn’t even come close. Our man, now in his twenties, fell into line and joined the family business despite having dreams and aspirations and the ability to do other things. He did what his father told him to do, even when it wasn’t in his best interests. He never really learned how to be his own man. He was still un-coping with his tumultuous childhood. Perhaps by joining the family business he would win the attention of his dad.

Replicating the disaster
This stage of his life is called replicating the disaster. We might call it “having a family”. Having met a beautiful woman he decides to propose as soon as he can. She accepts the proposal, seduced and infatuated with his charm, wit and tendency towards popularity and success. Completely unaware that his drinking and gambling were becoming an issue, they have two children, one after the other and settle down in the suburbs.

Barely a week goes by where our man doesn’t fight with his wife. Occasionally they fight in front of the children. If they manage to conceal the arguments, the kids would notice the upset mother and the absence of the father. He was at the pub putting money into machines or on horses. Everyone knows it. Soon work colleagues and family friends know it. Our man has developed a reputation around town as a drunk, a gambler and a womanizer. His wife is, of course, the last to find out.

Quite unconsciously our man pushes his loved ones away. He would ignore them when he had free time and make himself busy when he could. His arrival home from work would be characterized by the shutting of doors, children heading to their rooms to bury themselves in books and video games, finding any way to escape his foul breath and poisonous attitudes towards immigrants on the news, stories of his work mates and clients and, above all, women. At an early age his children learned that he was no role model. It was a lesson they never un-learned.

Alone again
This stage of his life is called alone again. If we are really honest, however, we might call it “still alone” because it was not like he ever really connected. But, the wife and family get tired of the gambling and the drinking and they pack up and leave. Our man, now in his 50’s, moves back in with his father as the gambling had made renting a place too financially difficult, despite a $100k a year income.

Occasionally his kids stop by to see him, mostly to assuage their own guilt. These visits got less frequent however as the constant complaining and blaming of others grows too suffocating. Our man has, for all of his life, blamed others for his faults. Every weekend at the races was the fault of an inattentive wife. Every night at the pub was the fault of a slow-to-pay client. Every mistake was that of someone else.

How does it end?
And though our story ends, our man lives on. Alone. He has girlfriends, quite a few, actually. But they don’t stick around. Today’s women are too intelligent and independent for that. His children still visit him, three or four times a year. Normally they see a movie so they don’t have to talk to him. The darkness of the cinema works well for our man too, he doesn’t have to look at how grown up his children are, how much he has missed out on.

I can’t help but wonder how it will end. Will our man ever beat his demons? Is he ever going to be able to look in the mirror and recognize his faults? How long can a person hold a grudge against their mother and father? How long can he blame them? Most of all I wonder how our man can continue to engage in the very activities and habits that have caused him ruin. A life of great potential, blamed away, day by day.

That is my story, about a man.

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Note: This is a guest post from Scott Young of Learning on Steroids

We’ve been taught how to study, but not how to learn.

That’s the only conclusion I can draw when I watch otherwise intelligent people spend hours cramming for exams, while failing to understand the material being taught.

Studying tends to focus on repetition. If you study a formula enough times, it will magically glue itself in your head. The more you repeat, the better you remember.

Learning isn’t just about repetition, it’s about making connections. Simply staring at the same formula a dozen times isn’t learning, even though we’ve been told it qualifies as studying. Learning a formula means understand what its components are, reviewing the proof or relating it to similar formulas.

Instead of trying to memorize by rote, you should be learning by connections.

Learning Hacks to Allow You to “Get” Any Subject

I’ve aced tests without studying for them. Over four years of university, my GPA has always sat between an A and an A+. I even placed first in a regional academic competition, without having taken the course being tested.

But in the grand scheme of things, my accomplishments are relatively modest. I know polyglots who can speak 8 languages, students who graduated from competitive programs with triple the normal courseload and learners who went from C to A+ averages while studying less than before.

The underlying trend in all of these learners is their ability to learn by making connections. Instead of relying on memorizing material repeatedly, they weave any new information into their existing knowledge.

During the years since I’ve been writing about this idea, I’ve managed to identify some of the main tactics these learners use to connect ideas together. Here are seven:

#1 – Analogies and Metaphors

Whenever you learn a fact, ask yourself what the idea is similar to. You can learn abstract processes by creating metaphors for more common events. Variables in computer programming become jars. Derivatives become the speedometer and odometer on your car.

#2 – Mental Pictures

Have you ever tried to visualize a mathematical formula?

It’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. If you break apart a complex formula into components, you can try to imagine what it would like as a graph or how each component influences each other.

I used this to remember how to calculate the determinant of a matrix. Instead of just memorizing rules, I created a mental picture of my hands scooping through the diagonals, adding and removing the numbers.

#3 – Dig a Foundation

Do you ever get surprised how easy early subjects appear, once you advance in them. Arithmetic looks easy once you start with algebra, which seems trivial once you go onto calculus. Going a bit further in the progression means you still struggle with the furthest ideas, but the earlier ones become easier.

What if you applied this in reverse: did a bit of extra research on your most difficult topics. You might not understand the further research perfectly, but it would make understanding your testable material much easier.

#4 – Become the Teacher

Try switching roles: how would you explain what you’re learning to someone else? The act of explanation creates connections. Teaching also forces you to simplify and break down complex ideas, another good step to foster learning.

#5 – Stop Taking Rigid Notes

Are you trying to learn, or create a courtroom transcript of the lecture? My suggestion is to free yourself from rigid notes, and instead write down ideas in branches and connections. Add your own thoughts, diagrams and arrows linking ideas so you have a web of information.

#6 – Diagram

Remember when your teacher told you to stop doodling in class? Well recent research suggests that drawing can actually increase your concentration.

I’d guess that if you were actually drawing out information related to the class, that might improve your concentration even more. I don’t know if a picture is actually worth a thousand words, but it can often be worth many connections towards a greater understanding.

#7 – Pegging

Mental magicians actually use this tactic to memorize any number. The tactic is a bit complicated for a brief article, but the basic idea is to attach each digit to a specific consonant. So 1 = s, 2 = k and 6 = r.

The next step is to put these consonants together. So 16578 becomes s, r, d, l, p. You can then insert any vowels within these letters to create nouns. So srdlp becomes sword and loop. You then string the nouns together in a story: “The sword cut through the loop before Jonathan…”

Then, even to remember hundreds of numbers, you only need to remember the story and letters key.

Scott Young is the author of Learn More, Study Less. He runs a program designed to teach rapid learning tactics. The program is currently sold out, but you can go here to get on the announcement list for when it reopens.

Photo by Hermés

There’s an interesting talk at TED by Stefan Sagmeister titled The Power of Time Off. In the talk, Sagmeister shared his experience of how he takes one full year off every seven years to recharge his creative life. During the sabbatical year, he closes his design company and doesn’t accept any design request. It might seem strange to take one full year for sabbatical, but he argued that it gives him more than what it costs.

There are at least three things he gets from his sabbatical years:

1. He gets fresh ideas for his creative work. Referring to one sabbatical year of his, he said that all the ideas in the following seven years came out from that one year.
2. It benefits him financially. Though he didn’t accept any request for one year, the improved quality of his work allowed him to ask for higher prices in the following years. He could eventually make more money than what he lost.
3. It made his work a calling again. This is my favorite of the three. In the talk, Sagmeister talked about three levels of work: job (when you do your work just for money), career (when you pursue advancement and promotion), and calling (when you do your work simply because it’s fulfilling). Even if your work is something you love to do, the daily routine could make it a job. Sagmeister said that taking a sabbatical year makes his work a calling again.

As you can see, these three things solve three common problems that many people have at work:

• Lack of creative ideas.
• Lack of financial improvement.
• Lack of purpose and fulfillment. This one affects not just your work, but also your life in general.

If you had any of these problems, here is a simple way to recharge your life: take time off. Of course, it doesn’t have to be one full year since most people (including me) can’t afford it without any serious consequences. But taking even short periods of time off is useful. Here’s what I suggest you to do:

1. Take time off every day. You should set aside time in your day where you can be away from your routine. Cut your communication with the outside world for a while. Use the time to get a sense of clarity of your life and work. Reconnect with your life purpose and look at the big picture of your life. Are you on the right track? Are you doing the right things? You can do this by meditating, praying, walking in the garden, or any way you like. The important thing is that you to reflect on your life with a clear mind. You don’t have to spend much time on it. Half an hour is enough, in my experience. Doing this helps you live your daily life with clarity.
2. Take a few days off every now and then. During that time, try not to do your routine that might introduce noise into your life. For me that means not connecting to the Internet. Though it’s not necessary, going out of town could be helpful. I can attest from personal experience that such time is really rewarding. I often see my life and work from a new perspective. I can see the forest rather than the trees. This, of course, will happen only if you spend time to reflect on your life and work.

It reminds me of the story of two woodcutters. One of them sawed down the trees all the time without ever sharpening his saw. The other person spent time to sharpen his saw and only then did he saw down the trees. Which one do you think would cut more trees at the end?

Don’t let the busyness of your life lead you to the wrong direction. Allocate time to reconnect with your purpose and calling. Allocate time to see the big picture of your life. Taking time off helps you stay sharp.

Photo by notsogoodphotography

Note: This is a guest post from Mark Harrison of Effortless Abundance

First – a sweeping statement. Everyone wants success and happiness. We might not agree about what this means – each of us defines ‘success’ and ‘happiness’ in a different way – but everyone aspires to these things. Yet for so many people, happiness and success are elusive, and we can spend a great deal of time looking for the answers.

For many years I was an avid collector of ‘self improvement’ books – I have several hundred in my collection – and yet, however many I read and enjoyed, I never seemed to get closer to finding what I was looking for. I was looking in the wrong place, of course. I was looking outside when the key was within me all along.

There is nothing wrong with self-help books: they can be entertaining, inspiring and challenging. But they cannot change you. What changes you is the realization that you are in control.

What you control is your mind. What we focus our attention on grows and becomes a more important part of our experience. Many – perhaps most – people tend to focus a lot on negative things. We fret about the past, about missed opportunities, mistakes and failures, we fear the future with all its uncertainty; we worry about our relationships, our investments, and our security. We compare ourselves to others in an unfavorable light, and we fear that we are inadequate. These negative thoughts continually arise and, with attention, they grow and persist.

This kind of thinking is poison: it is corrosive, toxic, destructive, and we need to purge ourselves of it. To attract more positive experiences into our life – to become truly happy and successful – we need to eliminate the negative thinking which, for many of us, has become such an integral part of our life. It’s not so much that we need to ‘think positively’ so much as that we need to drop the habitual, negative thoughts that swirl around our head and make up so much of the background noise in our lives. I am convinced that our natural, ‘default’ state is peace and happiness, and that success comes easily if we have nothing blocking the way.

Dropping negative thinking is, in a sense, very simple. Just don’t do it any more. Take your hand off the stove. And yet we are so used to inflicting this kind of pain on ourselves that just ‘letting go’ can be extraordinarily difficult.

One of the most important and useful things to remember is that your mind is a tool. You are its master, not its servant, so you should take control. Remember that thoughts are not reality. Although we often seem to think that our thoughts are reflections of the way things are out there in the world, the reality is that our thoughts shape the way we experience things. We could say that the world we experience is an echo of our thoughts, our inner reality.

Be vigilant and be diligent in being aware of your thoughts. When you spot a negative thought, just drop it. Just stop thinking about it. Switch your attention to something else if you have to. At first, it might be difficult but, as with everything else in life, gentle persistence will bring results. With practice, you will be able to uproot the old, harmful thought patterns and catch negative thinking before it takes hold.

One of the most wonderful books I have ever read is Awareness by Anthony de Mello. The message is simply that being aware of our negative thinking will change it. Instead of identifying with the negative thoughts in our head, we can be the silent observer, watching the thoughts and deciding, consciously, what to do with them. The only sensible option is to drop them. Why let them dictate how we feel? Why let them determine our happiness?

It is possible to be at peace, to be relaxed and happy and to enjoy every situation in life. It is possible to be successful easily and naturally. It’s all about maintaining the right mental attitude and knowing how to deal with the thoughts that come into our mind. So why waste another moment on negative thinking?

Mark writes for a number of sites around the web. Check out his site and his new book, Thity Days to Change Your Life.

Photo by Kevin Tiqui

photo credit: mihow bitata

“To To fill the hour — that is happiness.” – Emerson, Ralph Waldo

In these modern times it is easier than ever to be happy. Technology, media, politics and family life all make it extremely simple to get that happiness that we all seek. In this post I am going to show you the modern guide to finding happiness. I hope that it will finally answer all of your long-held questions and concerns about how to get there.

1. Work as much as you can
We know that our life is finite and we know that we hate our jobs. So we should always attempt to work as much as we can. It doesn’t matter whether you are trying to get a promotion, more money or just drown out the other issues in your life, working lots is the answer. It is especially true if this means we spend less quality time with the family, friends and enjoyable pastimes. Being busy all of the time is a surefire way to get to know yourself and make the people around you full of joy.

2. Drink, every night if possible
When your friends ask you to go out for drink after work you should definitely do it. Alcohol makes people happy and serves as a wonderful way to forget about the troubles that you are experiencing. In the modern world of stress and depression, booze can help you numb the pain that you are just too busy to address. Surely you will have time to deal with that later once things smooth out in the office or at home?

3. Spend big, every weekend
Have you been to a shopping mall lately? The things you can buy are amazing. We have wide screen TVs, blu-ray players, home gyms, gaming consoles, designer clothes, luxury cars, watches, sneakers… it is enough to make anyone happy! Take the money you earned during the week doing the job that you hate and medicate yourself with shopping. Each individual item will make you happy. The more expensive the item and the longer you think about having it the more likely it is that the happiness will last. This is a fact.

4. Sleep with beautiful people
Head out to a nightclub on a Saturday night and you will see more beautiful women than you know what to do with. And in the age of the metro sexual male, women now can choose from a vast array of gorgeous men with chiseled abs and moisturized faces. Everywhere you look you are being told to have sex with each other. The media, Hollywood, magazine advertisements, your friends… all of them are telling you to get out there and live out your fantasies and desires because it is only then that you will feel happy. The bigger the bust the happier you will be. And you know what, you might not ever be happy until you have tried them.

5. Use your technology at every moment
Now that we all have iPhones, computers, laptops, GPS in our cars, games on our TVs, etc. it is important to never go a moment without engaging one of them. When you are waiting in line to see a movie make sure you check your email on your iPhone while listening to your iPod.

photo credit: FaceMePLS

If your senses are engaged all the time you will never feel depressed, especially when you finally need to turn them all off to sleep. Technology is really making happiness a whole lot easier.

6. Model your life after musicians, celebrities and other rich people
The closer you look the more you will realize that musicians, celebrities and rich people are happy. Truly happy. These guys have it together. Whether they are off sun baking in the Bahamas, making hip hop videos with beautiful women around them or closing a multinational business account, these guys know what makes them happy. They rarely experience problems because they have famous friends and nice things to hide behind. If only we had as much as them, we would be as happy as they are.

What have I forgot

Is there anything else I have forgotten to include in the modern guide for finding happiness? Is there anything else in this day and age that will really make you happy. Please leave a comment and let us know.

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I always like to extract life lessons from seemingly unrelated ideas. This time I want to discuss an interesting article titled Why Poor Countries Are Poor. The article, which talks about the reasons some countries are poor, takes Cameroon as an example:

The average Cameroonian is eight times poorer than the average citizen of the world and almost 50 times poorer than the typical American. And Cameroon is getting poorer.

To grasp the situation better, look at the infrastructure there:

Douala, a city of 2 million people, has no real roads… Piles of rubble and vast holes mark unfinished construction or demolition work. Along the middle is a strip of potholes that 20 years ago was a road… As our car slowly bumped and lurched through the crowds, I tried to make sense of it all by asking Sam, the driver, about the country. “Sam, how long was it since the roads were last fixed?” “The roads, they have not been fixed for 19 years.”

19 years? How could that happen? Remember, Douala is a major city. Didn’t the people complain about it?

The Main Reason Poor Countries Are Poor

Economists have theories about what make a country poor:

Economists used to think wealth came from a combination of man-made resources (roads, factories, telephone systems), human resources (hard work and education), and technological resources (technical know-how, or simply high-tech machinery).

But the author argues that the picture is incomplete. There is an important part missing. The missing part explains why a poor country couldn’t build those necessary resources in the first place. Here it is:

Government banditry, widespread waste, and oppressive regulations are all elements in that missing piece of the puzzle… During the last 10 years or so, economists working on development issues have converged on the mantra that “institutions matter.”

Having bad institutions is the main reason poor countries are poor. How do you know whether or not a country has bad institutions? There’s a clear characteristic:

…self-interested and ambitious people are in positions of power, great and small, all over the world. In many places, they are restrained by the law, the press, and democratic opposition. Cameroon’s tragedy is that there is nothing to hold self-interest in check.

That’s it. There’s nothing to hold self-interest in check. As a result, everyone just looks for ways to benefit himself without ever thinking about what the consequences might be for other people or future generations. There’s no mechanism to restrain short-sighted behavior.

A Life Lesson for Individuals

I know that an individual is much less complex than a country, but I do see a parallel here. To succeed, especially in this era of globalization, you need to have good resources. Having good infrastructure, knowledge and technology is tremendously helpful. But, above all, what you need to be successful is good “institutions.” It’s good “institutions” that enable you to use your resources effectively and even build them in the first place. Without them, your self-interest will rule:

1. You will only do things that give you short-term benefits.
2. You won’t do the painful things necessary for long-term good.
3. You might cheat to get something for yourself at the expense of other people’s interest.

Good “institutions” help you prevent this short-sighted behavior.

The question is: what constitute good “institutions” at individual level? What are the things that hold self-interest in check? The answer, in my opinion, is your values and self-discipline. These are the foundation upon which you can build many other things necessary for success. They help you develop your potential and use your resources in the best possible way.

Let’s look closer at both of them:

1. Self-discipline. Self-discipline pushes you to do things that are painful in the short-term but good for you and other people in the long-term. Self-discipline makes you do the deliberate practice necessary to master a skill. Self-discipline makes you do your work even if you don’t feel like to.
2. Values. Your values fuel your self-discipline. They ensure that you have the internal motivation to do the right things rather than external motivation (like fear of punishment). They ensure that you can stay disciplined in the long run. Furthermore, they keep you from doing things that are harmful to other people or future generations.

Though they are different, the core of what makes a country successful is also what makes you successful. You need something that holds short-sighted behavior in check. You need something that makes you do painful things today for the sake of long-term good. You need to have strong values and self-discipline.

Photo by DraconianRain

A great deal of self-help emphasizes overcoming your fears. Our fears, we’re told, are the reason we aren’t sky-diving millionaires with supermodel spouses right now.

A quick Google search shows over 3.2 million entries for “how to overcome fear.” The book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways was a major best-seller. Clearly there is a demand from people wanting to overcome their fears and the army of authors and pundits is there to supply the solution.

Fear Isn’t the Biggest Problem

First, I want to claim that overcoming your fears is not the #1 obstacle to living the ideal life. I prefer Cal Newport’s suggestion that skill trumps courage. As I’ve written about here, the reason you aren’t a millionaire probably has more to do with not having the skills to earn a million dollars, and less to do with your fears.

However, even if fears aren’t the most important obstacle to overcome, they can still matter. Just as laziness, guilt, insecurity or any other psychological block can prevent you from making good decisions to improve your situation, your fears can hold you back.

You’re Afraid of Failure Because Failure Sucks

Sometimes your fears are legitimate.

If you’re afraid of quitting your job or dropping out of college to start a business, the fear of failure may be real. No, failing won’t kill you, but you may spin yourself into thousands of dollars of debt with nothing to show for it. Worse, you could have missed better opportunities to further your career.

If you’re afraid of asking a friend for a date, that fear may be real. The damage may be temporary, but you may sense that success isn’t likely and you may create awkwardness in your social group.

If you’re afraid to live in a foreign country, there may be some basis to that. If you don’t speak the language or don’t have an adaptable personality, the challenges of living abroad and being alone could be overwhelming.

Does this mean I think you shouldn’t pursue your ideal career, tell people how you feel about them or live abroad? Definitely not. I’ve done all those things. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t failed, or even that my fears were completely unjustified.

Being lost, broke or rejected are genuine consequences of real fears. The reason your fears are so difficult to overcome isn’t that they are irrational. The real reason is that, often, they are at least partially true.

Conquering Fears Requires More than Just Courage

To me telling someone to use courage to overcome fears is like telling a fat person to “stop eating so much.”

Sure, it’s true. Almost all weight-loss boils down to caloric restriction with exercise at some point. But is that helpful?

A better recommendation wouldn’t just use willpower, but emphasize on creating a system for reducing the desire to overeat. Keep less junk food in the house, stick to a pre-defined meal plan, learn to cook healthier foods. All of these are more practical suggestions.

Similarly, the “use courage” mantra isn’t very practical.

An Alternative: Engineer a Low Cost of Failure

If you accept that fears haunt us because they often have at least a partial basis in reality–and you accept that courage is often impractical advice, then there is another solution: reduce the cost of failure.

Engineering the situation so it has a lower cost of failure will make overcoming your fears a lot easier. Not because you’ll have more courage, but because a lot of your fears will go away, or at least reduce in intensity.

Take the fear of quitting your job. If, instead of quitting, you started your business part-time, that would drastically reduce the cost of failure. The worst-case scenario would be some lost time or less aggressive career growth at your current job.

Or what about the fear of asking someone on a date? If you can’t summon up the courage to go further, maybe make a smaller step forward. Spend more time with the person, make smaller moves and see if he or she reciprocates.

Flirting as a social practice may have developed primarily to engineer a lower cost of failure in dating. Linguist Steven Pinker devotes a chapter of his book using game theory to explain how ambiguous wording can save face if the other person isn’t interested.

How about living abroad? Even that is something that can be engineered to a lower cost of failure. Reduce the length of your trip. Travel to the region before deciding to live there. Maybe make a shorter stay away from your home environment to see if you can handle it.

Engineering Low Failure Costs Works Where Courage Can’t

The idea for this article came to me yesterday when I was cooking in my kitchen. I was trying a new recipe, and I was thinking about how the cost of failure often prevented me from experimenting with different cooking techniques. Often the win from discovering a new dish was outweighed by going hungry if it turned out poorly.

However, by making sure I had a quick backup meal if the first one failed, that made it far easier to experiment with new dishes. Also, allocating more time for cooking in my daily routine made the price of a ruined meal considerably lower.

Because I reduced the cost of failure, I’ve been experimenting with a lot more dishes. Last night I made kushari and before that I was making baba ghanoush. I’ve probably improved my cooking skill more in the last six months than I had in the six years prior to that.

The idea of using courage to improve my cooking skill seemed ridiculous. I wasn’t afraid of cooking new dishes, or if I was, I certainly wasn’t conscious of that fear. However, engineering a lower failure cost allowed me to tackle a problem that I had never considered before.

Note: This is a guest post from Thanh Lu of www.thanhdlu.com

You always hear that relationship is the basis for long term personal and business success. “Care” is the only strategy you need to connect and establish a great relationship that is based on trust and friendship. In Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People, getting people to like you and having genuine relationships with other people is the essence to a good quality of life. There are numerous reminders to nurture relationship and make the other person feel appreciated. I always wondered what that meant – how do you translate that into actions? How do you really translate that into real actions to be equivalent to creating a bond with another person? Abstract goals need to be measurable in real actions.

Below are 9 actions to build relationships with others:

1. Ask about their families/pets/significant others

Nothing gets to the heart of the matter faster than a person’s parents or girlfriend or boyfriend. In your conversations, ask about the people that are close to them. Even a simple “How are your parents/girl/boyfriend?” bring out a human element that creates an opportunity for bonding.

2. Talk about their interests/hobbies/current events

It’s common wisdom that people love to talk about their hot buttons. Find something, an idea or a philosophy or a hobby that others are passionate about and just ask a question. With the power of social media today it is not hard to find hot buttons to focus on.

3. Give small token of gifts

Small gifts go a long way; a small gift shows that you’re thinking of them, that you invested thoughts into them. Some examples of gifts could be: gift certificates, movie tickets, candy, snacks, baked goods, shirt, hat, cards, lunch, stationery, etc. Small gifts are often more meaningful than bigger gifts on special occasions as they provide reminders of the relationship more often than gifts on special occasions.

4. Better yet – give personalized gifts

Make a gift that you are good at in your hobby. Whether it is writing, painting, technology, computers, these personalized gifts can be practical. Upgrade a computer program, knit a scarf, crochet, sew a shirt, or make a photo album – these ideas create memories and plenty of usage.

5. Get involved and bring ideas

People are always working on some projects, professionally or personally. Get involved and bring ideas. People express themselves through their work, as a hobby or in business. When you dive into something they’re working on and offer resources and your findings, you tell the other person you appreciate them for who they are and who they’re trying to be.

6. Ask good questions, and then listen

When people vent and talk about the problems they’re facing, listen and ask questions. Ask good questions. You get to know people through their struggles and challenges.

7. Always start with a positive introduction

Greet people with an upbeat persona. A strong hello or a smile makes a huge difference in a person’s day. And everyone wants that sense of recognition that comes through in your positive greetings.

8. Be comfortable. Be real. Be authentic you.

Don’t forget to be who you are. When you’re comfortable, you’re real. Show up to your friend’s house. Call unexpectedly. Drop by your colleague’s place for lunch. Be goofy or be intense. When you are who you are, you share a part of that with the other person, creating a stronger bond.

9. Reach a little further and reach out to their significant others

Nothing says more that you care than when you reach beyond that person to their family and friends. Send birthday cards to their family members or loved ones. Buy a toy for their siblings or a snack for their pet. Families and friends are extensions of who we are, so when others notice us for those extensions, it creates stronger bonds.

Thanh likes to blog about success, social cultures, and moral wisdom at www.thanhdlu.com . She explores insights and perspectives for a good quality of life.

Photo by batega

A common piece of advice is that perfectionism is bad. At least, that’s what you’d believe if you read an online article on the topic.

However, I feel the situation is more complex. Certainly some perfectionism is bad–it causes us to procrastinate, leave projects unfinished and become mired in self-criticism.

But, in some ways perfectionism is necessary. Stopping at “good enough” is an easy way to ensure you’ll never accomplish anything remarkable.

Good Perfectionism, Bad Perfectionism

There are two types of perfectionism:

1. Short-term perfectionism on a particular project, task or goal.
2. Long-term perfectionism on projects, tasks and goals, in general.

When most people rally against the threat of perfectionism, they are really attacking short-term perfectionism. This is the crippling form that says you must perfect something before you can finish.

Short-term perfectionism occurs when you spend weeks unemployed, polishing your resume without mailing it to any potential employers. Or spending eighteen months on a new Web 2.0 platform without releasing anything to see if there is actually a market. Or devoting half your exam time to finishing your first essay response–when you need to complete another five.

Short-term perfectionism is almost certainly bad. If these perfectionists just mailed their resumes, released earlier builds or completed question one, they would waste less time and accomplish more.

But just as short-term perfectionism is bad, long-term perfectionism can be crucial.

Good Enough for Now, Never Good Enough Forever

A long-term perfectionist isn’t held back by releasing. In fact, she probably finishes aggressively since finishing allows her to get feedback. Instead, she channels her perfectionism into an attitude that good enough is never a permanent state.

This breed of perfectionist embodies the attitude I believe is necessary to become insanely good at something. Because their drive to improve extends far beyond what is “good enough”, as declared by society, they often become a lot better than good enough.

Example #1: Perfectionist Bloggers

Ramit Sethi, is one of my favorite personal finance bloggers on the internet. But most people wouldn’t guess that he spends upwards of 15-17 hours writing an article.

Tim Ferriss, speaks here about the lengths he goes to in optimizing his webpage. He tracks data ruthlessly, analyzing what are the most popular posts, what are the best days to publish and split tests his website layout over geography to reveal cultural differences in his readership.

I recently had a conversation with Cal Newport. Even though he isn’t a full-time blogger (being an author and MIT postdoc take most of his time) he still uses embodies my view of the long-term perfectionist. Cal uses each article as a chance to deliberately practice specific writing techniques he has identified beforehand.

All these three people have gone well beyond “good enough”. They’ve probably gone beyond “great enough” as well, but that’s a different story. There lesson is twofold:

1. They publish regularly and frequently (so they are definitely not short-term perfectionists)
2. Even after success, they remain dedicated to the unending path of mastery.

Example #2: Being Funny is Hard Work

Jerry Seinfeld delivers a hilarious acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement in comedy. (Click here if the player won’t load)

Midway through the speech he comments:

“The truth is, the comedians should be the only ones getting awards. We’re the only ones that actually have to think of something original. Something funny, or interesting.

Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how hard it was to write what I am saying to you right now? It was really hard. This took a long time.”

Chances are, the joke you hear a successful stand-up say has been told for live audiences hundreds of times beforehand. Each repetition perfects the timing, word-choice, delivery and body language making even a seemingly effortless off-the-cuff remark a perfected product.

The lesson of comedians like Seinfeld is twofold again. They get up and practice frequently in-front of live audiences, so there is no short-term perfectionism crippling their progress. But also, many of them endlessly refine their approach so that they can anticipate every facet of an audiences reaction before a joke is told.

My Personal Example

Recently I launched a new learning tactics subscription. On the short-term I wasn’t a perfectionist. The program didn’t have a forum, I did the design for all the content myself and I didn’t even use a website–all the content was delivered via email. Instead of delaying, I launched with less to make sure there was actually a demand for the concept.

However, once I did confirm there was a demand, my long-term desire for perfection kicked in. I’m now putting in many hours to add the features initially missing from the program. I’ve also started taking surveys and maintaining spreadsheets to help test and improve the results people can see within the program.

I definitely don’t embody the split between long and short-term perfectionism ideally. But, it has been an attitude I’ve worked to add into the way I approach life.

There is No “Good Enough”…

…in the big picture, at least. And if the desire to finish isn’t coupled with a drive to go beyond “good enough” you probably won’t get either good or enough.