Note: This is a guest post from Dave Ursillo of DaveUrsillo.com

Humor is often the fastest and easiest way to make new friends.

I love meeting new people. To me, one of the most wonderful aspects of life is coming across just a handful of the billions and billions of men and women that live amongst and around us, getting to know their unique stories and personalities, and being able to connect with them on some level.

Meeting new people isn’t always difficult. Through work, school, social events, the weekends and meeting others through current friends, we are presented with ample opportunities to connect with people and make new friends. The difficult part is making a connection with men and women that can outlast the short duration of time that you’ve spent meeting them: how do you establish a connection with someone that can last and that causes you two to become friends?

Lately, I’ve taken a new approach to socializing by making subtle efforts – usually through humor and laughter – to forge meaningful connections with men and women who would at most be described as “acquaintances,” or people that I’ve not known for very long and may never see again. I find some beauty in establishing these sorts of connections with people, realizing that our paths may never cross again, but hoping that the connection we’ve made could last a lifetime. Why bother with the effort? Well, it turns out that these young men and women that I’ve attempted to forge a real connection with in a short period of time have, in several instances, become good friends. I’ve learned two important lessons from these experiences, and I wish to share them with you.

First, humor is the easiest and most effective way to connect with a stranger. Laughter, happiness and smiling are “common denominators” among all human beings: regardless of race, nationality or primarily language, we all naturally recognize, appreciate and connect through smiles and laughter. When it comes to making new friends, laughter and happiness is a simple but highly effective ways to make positive, personal connections to others.

Second, it turns out that making a connection with men and women through humor, happiness and laughter not only helps you make new friends, but it actually is the means to establish a strong, meaningful connection to people. There is something special and sacred amongst human beings when it comes to sharing happiness and positivity. When you share laughter and joy with others, they become happier themselves and desire to share more of the same with you in the future.

With these two lessons in mind, here are seven ways to use humor to make new friends.

1. Be lighthearted

Bringing laughter, happiness and smiling to others is more about being lighthearted than it is about “being funny.” Don’t think of yourself as having to embody the role of a comedian. Just feel happiness, be positive and be lighthearted. Such a mindset is naturally attractive to others, and by embodying happiness you invite others to get to know you better and even open up more themselves.

2. Joke at your own expense

If you’ve just met a group of new people who do not know you, an easy way to get them to know you is to use humor to joke about yourself. Now, there’s a big difference between joking about yourself and being self-deprecating. Saying, “I didn’t get that recent job I applied to… I suck at life!” is not funny. Remember to keep it lighthearted. Instead try, “The last job I applied to turned me down. But that’s okay, because it’s always been my dream to become a stripper.”

3. Be authentic; don’t force it

Don’t break out a notepad full of “Knock-Knock” jokes and don’t start reciting Chris Rock’s latest standup comedy routine. Connecting with people through humor and happiness has to be authentic; it can’t be forced or premeditated. When it feels like you’re trying too hard to be funny or amiable, strangers and new acquaintances will interpret your efforts as inauthentic attempts to overcompensate for something.

4. Be able to take a joke: humility

One of the least attractive qualities in people is when men and women take themselves too seriously. Refusing to laugh at yourself can ultimately reveal a lot about a person. It may say that you are selfish and egotistical, or simply neglect to embrace happiness and humility. Whatever the reason, if you’re going to use humor to make others laugh, you need to expect a joke to be cracked at your expense. If you’re able to take a joke and laugh about it, just think of it as another way of providing happiness and laughter to those around you.

5. Don’t joke at the expense of others

Joking and humor are great ways to make others laugh and forge new connections with people, but you shouldn’t depend upon making jokes at the expense of others. You haven’t yet earned the “friendship cache” of leeway that comes with being friends with someone for a long time, so you shouldn’t joke at the expense of those you’ve just met, who won’t appreciate the insults. Also, don’t fall into the trap of making fun of others around you or a mutual person you know. It may be funny, but ultimately it’s not attractive to mock others.

6. Joke with others in ways that are complimentary to them

If you want to joke with new people you’ve just met, do so in a way that is complimentary to them. You can even infuse a joke about yourself in the process, like, “I really like your dress… but I don’t think it would look as good on me.”

7. Recognize when to use humor and when not to

Think of an awkward or uncomfortable situation: you just met an entire table of new people; you already don’t remember any of their names; and now there is a very awkward silence amongst the group. How do you break the uneasiness? With a joke! Laughing helps overcomes the bridge of social discomfort in any circumstance, and the same applies when you meet new people. That said, you need to realize when using humor makes a situation worse. If you’re at a funeral or when someone tells you about some really unfortunate news, shelve the humor and choose compassion instead.

Dave Ursillo is a writer, dreamer and self-described “Renegade.” His self-improvement and personal development blog, DaveUrsillo.com, encourages men and women to embody “Renegadeism,” a defiant attitude of positivity in spite of what feels like an increasingly cynical world. Follow Dave on Twitter.

Photo by Sabrina

Note: This is a guest post from Walter Adena of LionSlinger.com

Making someone happy is a matter of being sensitive to one’s needs. Many pursue the common approach of knowing what the other wants in order to bring them happiness, but the truth however is that we don’t need to know what they want. Instead, we should be observant to the subtleties of their aspirations.

There are ways to know the things that can make someone happy. But the first thing we need to do is to let go our own definition of happiness. Let us always remember that people are different, what makes happiness for one may not be for the other. An effective method to know what can make someone happy is to be sensitive to their concerns. If we truly care about knowing what would constitute happiness to a person it is wise to open our awareness to the things they treasure.

Still, we don’t have to look far to know what brings happiness to a person. More often than not, a simple display of genuine concern is sufficient to brighten someone’s life.

Here are some of the simple yet effective ways of making someone happy:

1. A simple touch of affection

Extending happiness can be as simple as a touch of affection. Have you felt what it’s like to be in the loving arms of the people you love? Don’t you feel happy and assured by the caress of your special someone? I’m sure you do, especially when you are at your most vulnerable. Remember that touch has hidden power, and it’s one of the longing of every person.

2. Be appreciative

If you want to make someone happy you have to learn to appreciate them more. Give credits to the accomplishments one makes—no matter how little—and give importance to the efforts they’ve made. People need to be appreciated one way or another, and by being generously appreciative, you are sure to extend happiness to someone.

3. Extend a helping hand

Helping someone proves to be the most noble form of bringing happiness to someone. Nothing brings much greater delight to a person than finding a helping hand to aid him in his moments of need. All of us need a lending hand once in a while and we feel very happy when someone gives themselves when we needed the most. Be alert for this opportunity if you want give someone a dose of happiness.

4. Make someone smile

Have you ever wondered why having a sense of humor is a plus factor for a person? Being with a person who is jolly, lighthearted and humorous illuminates our spirit. No matter how our day goes, when we’re in the company of a jovial character, it never fails to make us happy. Make an effort of putting a smile on someone’s face and you’ll never be forgotten.

5. Show kindness

It is said that kindness is the universal language of love. By being kind to someone we are expressing our concern for the other. Kindness makes us realize our connection with others; irrespective of any barriers, any show of kindness portrays an act of love. When someone shows us kindness it lifts our spirits and gives us an unexplainable feeling of gratitude. It makes us happy knowing that someone have made an effort to go out of their way just to extend their grace.

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In conclusion, if you want to give the gift of happiness always remember to capitalize on the person’s emotion. Let us put more premiums on appreciating, loving, caring, respecting, and sensitivity to the people whom we want to extend happiness. Stop being deaf and blind to the obvious needs of others, learn to let go of yourself to clearly see the manifestation of someone’s longing, and from there we can figure out the most memorable gift we can give to make someone happy.

Walter Adena is a deep thinking blogger and the author of the website www.lionslinger.com. He writes about personal development and life wisdom.

Photo by Yogendra174

Note: This is a guest post from Faizal Nisar of FaizalNisar.com

Becoming a champion at small talk has its benefits. You’ll have more friends, more fun, more confidence, and more to talk to about. Mastering the art of small talk requires practice at first, but becomes a natural act after a while. To use this guide effectively, you must put into practice all of the steps outlined because they are interrelated.

1. Be knowledgeable: Knowledge is key to being good at small talk. What are you going to talk about if you don’t know anything? Now I’m not saying you have to be an expert in every single category but basic knowledge is necessary. Learn a little about everything. Read books on cooking, browse through magazines about celebrities, or watch videos on dancing. This way no matter what the person is interested in, you’ll have something to relate to them with.

2. Find common grounds: When you find something that you and the other person can both relate to, it builds instant rapport. People are attracted to others who share similar interests, experiences, or knowledge. How do you find common ground? Well, you can use three methods to do this: through compliments, asking questions, or using the surrounding environment to your advantage. Let me explain each one more clearly.

• Compliments: When you give someone a compliment, you acknowledge them. Recognition makes people feel good. You can give a compliment about anything. The most success I’ve had with this technique is when I compliment what they wear. Say something like, “I love those shoes, they look so good on you.” Most likely, the other person will respond with a genuine smile and say something like, “Thanks” or “Thanks, I just got them.” How can you develop the conversation from that point? You ask questions.
• Ask Questions: Asking questions is very important in any conversation you have. It gives you the opportunity to learn about others and relate to them with the knowledge you already have. Let’s continue with our example. After the other person says thanks to you, you simply ask a question related to whatever you complimented them on. “Where did you get them from?” is a good simple example. Or if the shoes are heels you can say, “Do you wear heels a lot”? Any question that’s related to what you asked about will be effective in developing the conversation. If they answer back and tell you the store they got it from, you can continue the conversation by asking more questions like, “Oh I love that store, do you go there a lot?” or if you’re knowledgeable about the store you can say, “I saw that they’re having a huge sale going on right now, do you shop there often?” When you ask questions, you’ll discover who they are and find out how you can relate to them.
• Use the environment: Using the environment for small talk involves talking about something that’s going on right now that the other person can relate to. Typically, this technique is used to start the conversation and develop it into something else. One common example is using the weather. You can say something like, “Wow, we’re getting some great weather, aren’t we?” They will respond by agreeing with you because it’s true. Then you use your knowledge and say, “I heard this weekend’s going to have even better weather, you have any plans made?” See the transition there? It starts with weather and then develops into plans for the weekend. Once you get their answer, you can use more questions to continue the conversation.

Now how can you become great at utilizing these methods?

3. Practice, practice, practice: Practice makes perfect. You can practice role-playing in your mind or in front of a mirror. This experience makes you confident. When you’re ready, start practicing with real people. Give a compliment to someone or talk about the environment. From there, use questions to develop the conversation. Start practicing and watch your small talk skills grow.

Faizal Nisar, who inspires others from his own inspiration, writes at FaizalNisar.com on the subject of self improvement . His free book, The Instant Success Guide, can be found on FaizalNisar.com and will change how you approach success.

Photo by Tiagø Ribeiro

Note: This is a guest post from Zach of Always Live Now

There is no denying the importance of making a good first impression. There are simply too many clichés decrying just how critical it is in developing positive relationships. Regardless of the relationship – personal or professional – getting off on the right foot cannot be overemphasized. Knowing this is one thing, being able to do it is quite another. Even when I try my best, it seems as though various wardrobe malfunctions, unruly hair or the ever present toothpaste stain always conspire against me.

Without question, there is a somewhat superficial element that shouldn’t be ignored. It would be nice if there wasn’t – wouldn’t it be great if we actually got to know someone before we judged them – but like it or not, the world doesn’t always work that way. Making sure that we put our best foot forward with our hair combed, zippers up, and our teeth brushed can only help. But to me, the real keys to making good first impressions lie a little deeper.

1. Get to Know the Real You

First and foremost, being able to make a good impression starts by knowing who you are. Who you really are, not who you think you have to be for the right job, the right school or the right date. I am sure that this seemingly simple, common sense idea is not exactly rocket science to most, but for me, figuring this out has taken some time. For a large part of my life, I spent far too much time and energy trying to say or do the perfect thing in an attempt to impress the “right” crowd. I rarely stopped to ask the question, is this really who I am? Or even, is this really what I want?

I don’t know exactly when the shift happened, but thankfully, somewhere along the way it did. Maybe it was becoming middle-aged, or becoming a parent, or maybe it was just not having enough energy to worry about what people thought all the time. Regardless of what caused it, I am grateful that I have finally reached a point in my life where I can appreciate my strengths, be okay with my weaknesses and try to be comfortable with everything in between.

2. Don’t Try to Be Something You’re Not

In college, for the first time in my life, I lived right by the ocean. It was incredible. The weather was great, the waves were inviting and I desperately wanted to be a surfer. I had never surfed before, but all of the “cool” kids were doing it. When I met a couple of guys who were surfers, I wanted so badly to make a

positive impression with them that I acted like I knew everything about surfing. I was so excited when they invited me surfing that I coughed up $40 for a 300 pound, water-logged surfboard and a wetsuit that was about 2 sizes too big, and joined the club. I didn’t know a lot about surfing when I started. I didn’t know

that the lighter the board the better, or the fact that a wetsuit that doesn’t fit is effectively useless. At the time, I didn’t care about the details. I just wanted to be a surfer.

Despite being fairly athletic, I was horrible. It wasn’t for lack of effort. I threw everything I had at becoming a surfer. I lugged my behemoth board all over the Central Coast of California, used rubber bands on my wrists and ankles to try to trick my wetsuit into working, and spent the better part of my first two years of

college trying mightily to paddle past the break. At this point, I was also painfully unaware of just how powerful waves were, and how impossible it was to efficiently paddle a picnic table out into the ocean. Sadly, I can count on one hand the number of times I actually made it past the break in two years of

paddling. For those glorious moments when I did make it, I would sit, completely exhausted, wondering if a shark was going to eat me.

Eventually my wave would come and I would paddle furiously towards the shore, sure that this was it. I was about to join the club, to become a surfer. Without fail, my board would betray me. At the critical moment, I would push to stand up, my board would fully submerge and I would spend the next 30 to 60 seconds in a frantic scramble trying to get my head above water. Beaten, I would drag myself to the beach looking like the Michelin Man with 20 gallons of water trapped in my oversized wetsuit. There I would patiently wait for my friends who knew what they were doing. It never crossed my mind that I was not getting any better, I was not particularly enjoying my “surfing” trips, and I was terrified that I was going to be eaten by a shark. I should have asked myself questions like, why do you want to be a surfer? Or, why are you putting yourself through this? But I didn’t. I wanted people to think of me as a cool surfer.

3. Be Honest With Yourself

Right after college, I went to work for Deloitte Consulting. As part of their new analyst program, I was able to spend a week in Scottsdale, Arizona with over 150 other new recruits. On the first afternoon of presentations, we were seated in groups of eight and I happened to notice that there was a cute girl at my table. My mind was working overtime on how to make a good first impression with her. At one point, I overheard her talking about how she was getting up at 5:00 am the next morning to go for a 5 mile run before breakfast. Eager to impress, I jumped into the conversation and told her that sounded like a great idea. She politely mentioned that there were a few people doing it, and that I should join her. What to do?

Given that she was cute, I told her that sounded great and that I was totally looking forward to it. The next two hours of my life were, well, they were basically miserable. I should have been excited, but I wasn’t because 1) the only shoes that I had packed that were even remotely athletic was a pair Vans, 2) I am not, in the least bit, a morning person, 3) I had not packed a pair of shorts, 4) I am not a distance runner – the longest I have ever run in my life was a one mile test I did in 8th grade, and 5) I was concerned that the relationship was not going to last if I died somewhere around mile 2.

My mind was racing trying to figure out how to make this all work out. I was fully prepared to cut a pair of my pants into shorts, and I was somewhat confident that my Vans would provide enough support for one 5 mile run. It would be dicey, but I felt like I had the apparel angle covered. Most concerning was my complete lack of distance training. How hard could it really be? I knew the answer – I knew I was going to end up in a heap on the side of the road roughly 1.3 miles away from the hotel – but I had convinced myself that I could pull off this Herculean task. I was in the process of psyching myself up when my prayers were answered. The guest speaker was talking about how challenging the consulting lifestyle can be for long distance relationships. He asked everyone either married or in a serious relationship to stand up. The cute girl stood up. Before she could even sit back down, I told her that I wouldn’t be able to make the run.

But what if she had not stood up? Would I have tried to run a personal best 5 miles in Vans and cutoff slacks trying to get her to like me? Probably. Would it have ended well? Probably not. Even in the best case scenario, even if the 5 miles didn’t kill me, what if we had ended up together? She would be expecting some early rising jogger who is ready to knock out 5 miles with her at the drop of a hat. That will never be me. So even if my plan had gone perfectly, would I really have gotten what I honestly wanted?

4. Relax and Be Yourself

The best way to handle the stress and worry of “what will people think” is to do what you do best – and that’s being you. For the better part of my life, I worked incredibly hard trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, what people would think was cool or good or perfect. Now, whenever I find myself in new situations, I focus on relaxing and being myself. Personally, I would rather be judged as the real me than someone else I was trying to be. I can’t surf, I don’t really even like the ocean. I am not an early riser. I would rather take a bullet than go for a long run. And I am okay with that. The angst of meeting new people isn’t completely gone, but at least now I know that regardless of what happens, as long as I am true to myself, things will work out for the best.

Worrying about making good first impressions is fairly universal. For me, I used to worry so much about it that the stress of it all would prevent me from putting myself out there. Most importantly, more often than not, it would turn me into someone I wasn’t. Someone I never even really wanted to be. As I have started getting a little more comfortable with me, I have found it much easier to avoid situations where I know I am destined for failure. More and more, I spend most of my time just trying to be open and honest, so I can find situations where the real me fits in. Trying to be true to myself – knowing who I really am and what I really want – has helped me make much more positive first impressions.

Zach is a somewhat obsessive-compulsive, married, average, middle-aged, insecure father on a quest for balance. His main goal is to encourage people to think, appreciate each moment and live NOW. He tries to do this by sharing his relatable, humorous stories, insights, and ramblings at his blog, AlwaysLiveNOW.com.

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Note: This is a guest post from Mark Harrison of Effortless Abundance

We all meet ‘difficult’ people. ‘Difficult’ is a subjective term, of course: very few people are considered to be ‘difficult’ by everyone. But from our perspective, we will seem to connect well with some people and less well with others. From time to time, we are bound to come across people we find very difficult to get along with: people we find inflexible, unwilling to think in new ways, or to see things from our point of view.

When trying to deal with difficult people, it is helpful to be aware of a number of mistakes we might make and how to correct them.

Mistake: Assuming we are right

It is natural to believe we are right. Of course, we all think we are doing the right thing. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who claimed that they had deliberately tried to do something that was immoral or ‘bad.’ People will justify their actions in all kinds of ways, and they might even come to believe that their past actions were wrong, but they will never admit that their intentions were less than correct at the time.

Alternative approach: seek first to understand

One of Stephen Covey’s famous ‘habits’ is seek first to understand and then be understood. This simply means trying genuinely to understand the other person’s perspective. What is motivating this person? Why is she behaving like this? We are often so ready to defend or push our own position that we don’t stop to think about other perspectives. Doing so can teach us a lot. Maybe we are wrong; maybe there is something we have not considered.

Sometimes, people we find difficult can reveal uncomfortable but important things about ourselves. ‘Difficult’ people can be our best teachers, if we have the humility and open mindedness to be taught.

In any case, understanding another person puts us in a much better position when it comes to dealing with the situation. We are more informed and any action we take is likely to be more effective.

Mistake: Having unrealistic expectations

William Glasser’s famous Choice theory is built around the core premise that it is impossible to change another person in any way. Even if you held a gun to someone’s head, they would not be compelled to do as you wished. We are all free to choose our own behavior, and this freedom implies that other people cannot be controlled. Of course, many people allow themselves to be influenced, and even manipulated, by others, but this is itself a choice to give away autonomy to some extent.

It is unrealistic to expect other people to dance to our tune. We can use coercion – if we have the power – to influence people, but this will be temporary and limited in effect.

Alternative approach: focusing on what we can change

Steven Covey’s first ‘habit’ is be proactive. This means focusing on what we can change. Covey calls this our ‘circle of influence,’ and this is where we should expend most of our energies. There is another, bigger, circle – the ‘circle of concern’ – containing things we have some interest in, but most of this is beyond our ability to influence. Other people are like the weather – predictable to some extent, but impossible to control. They may be in our ‘circle of concern,’ but they are well outside our ‘circle of influence.’

It is far better to focus on what we can change – ourselves. By shifting our perspective or adapting to the other person’s behavior, we are more likely to achieve success. The old Taoists often used water as an analogy – if flowing water comes across an obstacle, it doesn’t try to move the object but goes around instead. Better find an alternative route – this is the essence of being proactive.

It is important to say that the very idea of ‘dealing with difficult people’ is a bit misconceived. It’s not the ‘difficult people’ we need to deal with, but our own approach.

Mistake: Trying to win an argument

Don’t bother trying to bring someone around to your point of view by the force of an argument. People are not generally rational, and will not respond well to such logical, intellectual approaches. It might be possible to win an argument – if you have a superior ability to use logic or if you are more articulate or forceful in the way you express yourself, for example – but the other party will not thank you for beating them in such a way. In fact, winning an argument like this is more likely to make matters worse. Nobody wants to be beaten and to feel (intellectually) inferior.

Alternative approach: changing by example

When Khrushchev was making a speech denouncing the crimes of Stalin, a heckler shouted out ‘why didn’t you speak up when Stalin was still in power?’ Khrushchev shouted back at the crowd, ‘Who said that?’ Nobody replied, and so Khrushchev simply said, ‘Now you know why.’ A demonstration is much more effective than an argument. When dealing with a difficult person, don’t try to convince with argument – language are slippery and logic is malleable. Action will usually achieve far better results.

People used to say that there is more than one way to skin a rabbit. Being open minded, being flexible and not taking yourself and others too seriously are important attitudes in all areas of life, and no more so than when dealing with difficult people. A wise man once wrote, ‘Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it’ (Lao Tzu).

Visit Mark at EffortlessAbundance.com and check out his book, Thirty days to Change your Life.

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Note: This is a guest post from Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence Blog

Have you ever received negative feedback before? Say, a friend or family member complaining about you. A boss or colleague critiquing your work. A partner or a spouse unhappy with something you did.

I run The Personal Excellence Blog which has a readership of about 3,000 readers a day. Every day, I receive feedback about the articles I write. While most of them are positive, there is the occasional negative feedback every now and then.

Admittedly, negative feedback can be tough to deal with sometimes. It’s much more encouraging to be receiving compliments than disagreements, because the former positively affirms that we’re on the right track, while the latter suggests we are doing something wrong. After years of dealing with feedback whether in school, work, or now running my own blog and business, I’ve become accustomed to getting negative feedback, but even then there’s the occasional feedback every now and then that would sting.

Yet, unless we are living in a holed up world where we don’t have to interact with anyone, receiving negative feedback is part and parcel of our everyday life. People will always have different opinions, and they are entitled to hold their opinions and say what they want to say. The question then isn’t on how we can avoid negative feedback, but to learn to roll and deal with them. If you can learn to handle negative feedback effectively, it will be a crucial skill that will help us in our journey of growth.

Here are my personal 6 steps on how to deal with such feedback.

1. Pause first; Don’t react.

When receiving negative feedback, it’s natural to want to defend yourself immediately. Has there been a time when you received a negative criticism, and your first instinct is to say: “No, this isn’t true..” “You’re wrong..” “No, that’s because…“?

However, no matter how negative the comment was, you have a choice in your reaction. Reacting defensively tells more about you as a person than about the comment itself. Remaining calm and composed helps you deal with the feedback better. If you feel riled up, give yourself some time to cool down first before engaging further.

Whenever I get a negative feedback, I rarely ever respond immediately. If it’s a real-time conversation, I would always pause for a few seconds to process the feedback in my mind. If it’s a delayed communication, such as over email or a comment at my blog, I’ll leave it there for a couple of days while I let it sit in my mind. I found that when I read the same piece of feedback at different times, it conjures up different thoughts and emotions. Hence, referring back to the feedback at different times and aggregating the feelings help me to put things into context. Sometimes we may interpret a comment in a wrong manner and looking it at another time helps us to consider from a different perspective.

2. Understand what the person’s concerns are

Every feedback, whether negative or positive, comes from somewhere. Something you said or did made the person react this way. You can choose to ignore the feedback, but then you’ll never know what was it that triggered the person. This means there’s a possibility of this issue recurring in the future.

Use active listening and understand where he/she is coming from. Some questions to ask yourself include:

• What is he/she concerned about? What are the key issues?
• Why is he/she reacting this way?
• What did you do/say that triggered him/her?

Write down these answers so you can evaluate them in step 3.

Sometimes, the person giving the feedback may not be aware of the real areas of concern. He/she might just be saying ‘I don’t think this is done well’ or ‘I don’t like how you are doing this’, without supporting reasons. This doesn’t mean you should dismiss the feedback, because something did trigger it. It’s up to you to probe the person and discover what the actual reasons are.

I found a tip that really helps in understanding his/her concerns is to put yourself in the person’s shoes. Imagine you as the person and think about how he/she felt. This will make it easier to understand why he/she commented that way. Whenever I do that, it instantly becomes clear why the person said the things he/she said, and helped me to understand his/her concerns.

3. Assess if the feedback is true.

Evaluate the feedback objectively. Do you agree on the feedback? Is there any truth behind it, and would this be an alternate perspective you missed out originally? Is it something you should look into?

Sometimes it’s hard to maintain an objective stance, especially since you are right in the middle of this. I found it’s helpful to seek out friends to get alternate opinions. You can ask them: (a) Their overall assessment of the feedback (b) What they think are the areas of concern (c) If they saw any truth behind it. As your friends, they will be more than willing to listen and help evaluate. Besides, each of them will have his/her own unique perspective to add to the plate.

Often times when I get negative feedback, I would talk it over with some of my good friends and process the feedback with them. We would objectively discuss and evaluate the things that could be work on. It becomes kind of like a mini-troubleshooting discussion, and it can be very enlightening. Having these alternative viewpoints helped to maintain the objectivity.

4. Reply to the person in kindness

Since the person took time to share his/her feedback with you, you should take time out to give a proper reply. Generally, I use the following flow for my replies:

• Reiterate his/her concerns, and confirm this with him/her so both of you are on the same page
• Let him/her know your point of view, whether you agree/disagree, along with supporting reasons why
• Create a open space for discussion
• Align/agree on the conclusions/next steps to move forward. Sometimes it’s possible that there can’t be an agreement met, and if that’s the case it’s about agreeing to disagree
• Thank him/her for sharing.

5. Recognize receiving negative feedback is a positive thing

Ultimately, I see negative feedback as positive, because it shows there are people who want you to become better. As in Randy Pausch said in the The Last Lecture, critics “are the ones telling you they still love you and care”. If the person didn’t care at all, he/she wouldn’t even have provided the feedback, would he/she?

Negative feedback also tells us our opportunities for growth. No matter where we are in life, all of us will have blind spots we don’t know about. These blind spots prevent us from reaching the next stage of growth. While negative feedback may not be pleasant to receive, they give us a different perspective to consider. By learning from more different perspectives, we can grow much faster.

If I look back, the times when I learned and grew the most were when I received negative feedback, not when I received positive feedback. How would things be if everyone around you simply praised and complimented you all the time? It would be nice at the beginning, but after a while you become oblivious on how you can improve. This doesn’t mean positive feedback doesn’t play a role – it helps to encourage and inspire us. Negative feedback has its own role to play too. It is when I receive criticisms about my work that I become more aware of things I was blind to before and how I can better improve next time. Especially when the negative feedback triggers some sort of emotional response, I know that means it has struck some chord inside me, and I would look inside to understand what’s making me feel that way. Often times that helps to trigger a new breakthrough in my personal growth, which I then proceed to share with my readers on my blog, which benefits many more people.

6. Learn from the feedback.

There’s always something to learn from every feedback. Ask yourself:

• What have I learned about myself?
• What have I learned about others?
• How can I improve? What can I do differently from now on?

Your learning can either be about (i) the feedback (ii) how you dealt with the feedback (iii) or both. Whenever I get a negative feedback, I would process it and think about what I can learn from. I could ignore it, but then that means nothing came out of the experience. So far, I have learned new from almost every negative feedback I have received. Add this up over time, and that’s a lot of new things I have learned. No doubt, these have been critical in my personal journey of growth.

Conclusion

I hope my personal tips and learnings will be helpful to you in dealing with negative feedback. It may not be easy to handle negative feedback – but if you learn the art of dealing with it, it’ll go a long way in personal growth.

Celes writes at The Personal Excellence Blog, where she shares her best advice on how to achieve personal excellence. Get her RSS feed directly here. If you liked this, you might like her related article on 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People.

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Note: This is a guest post from Chris Birk of Write Short Live Long

Carefully chosen words are among the most disposable items in today’s throwaway society.

That’s helped to make compliments — real, meaningful words of praise — an increasingly elusive treasure. The reality is that the art of giving meaningful compliments has become a dying one.

Part of it is political correctness. Part of it lies in the faceless, informal ways we’re connected to one another through technology.

It’s not that we’ve become cold and unfeeling. Most of us do issue compliments — to co-workers, loved ones and even sometimes strangers. But they tend to ring hollow, failing to truly connect with and touch the recipient.

And most of us want to give meaningful compliments that leave an impression. Often it’s simply a matter of simplicity and intent. We rush our words or worse — rehearse them — instead of allowing the compliment to organically emerge.

To help revive this dying art, here are five ways to help you give meaningful compliments:

1. Be Specific

Detail is the lifeblood of good writing. It’s also the heart of a great compliment. Hone in on a specific achievement or aspect and focus your words on that. A vague, generalized comment that can be recycled throughout the day — “You have beautiful eyes” or “Great presentation to the board” — lacks real meaning because of its cookie-cutter nature.

That man or woman gets a flimsy compliment about their eyes a few times a week. Instead, seize on a sliver that indicates you paid attention or that the recipient’s presence or actions have made a meaningful impact on you. It’s not just that she gave a great presentation — it’s that this particular moment proved so captivating.

Specific compliments have lasting power. So do those that favor character over objects or outward appearance. They indicate that you’ve truly taken stock of a person and their attributes and, in turn, compressed those thoughts into a value judgment.

2. Be Genuine

Meaning what you say is, well, inherent to a meaningful compliment. With a little skill you can make a platitude seem specific enough to mollify the recipient. Despite your knack for false sincerity, most people can tell when your words aren’t genuine. That’s why you shouldn’t force a compliment because it somehow seems like the time or place to offer one.

Sincerity is a byproduct of genuine belief or emotion. To toss up a compliment because of social convention or circumstance is to speak without real meaning. Writing about the art of compliments for Esquire magazine, Tom Chiarella summed it up perfectly: “If a worthwhile compliment needs anything, it is the weight of realization behind it.”

3. Be Patient

Giving the perfect compliment is also about waiting for the perfect moment. One thing you should avoid is trying to manufacture that moment — that’s inherently selfish and makes the giving more about you than the recipient. Flattery and puffery are impatient and have the giver’s best interests at heart. At the same time, waiting too long can mean the compliment loses its timeliness. Strive to strike a balance, focusing on the needs and timing of the recipient.

4. Be Succinct

It’s easy to start rambling when you say something nice about someone. Don’t linger around looking for a “thank you” or feel the need to repeat yourself or venture beyond the confines of the compliment. This is especially true if you’re moved to compliment a stranger. Breeze in, offer your heartfelt words and jump right back into life ongoing.

5. Be Yourself

You don’t need to assume some new persona to start dishing out compliments to co-workers and folks off the street. Possessing a degree of self-confidence is key to delivering meaningful compliments. Learning how to give these types of compliments will also make you a better — and more appreciative ­— recipient when the time comes to receive them.

Chris Birk works with GrowthPartner.com, a unique firm that provides angel investment and online marketing expertise to emerging companies. A former newspaper and magazine writer, he teaches journalism and media writing at a private Midwestern university. His personal blog, Write Short Live Long, will be launching soon.

Photo by Jerry

Note: This is a guest post from Mark Foo of 77 Success Traits

“The beauty of empowering others is that your own power is not diminished in the process,” said Barbara Coloroso. This is an idea that has held true throughout much of my experience. In fact, empowering other people puts out the positive vibes into the atmosphere that will be returned to you, not in any sort of karmic sense necessarily, but in terms of improving your own sense of self-awareness and confidence. This can be achieved in a number of little ways that can range from simply boosting someone else’s mood to helping them realize new aspects of their personalities. We are all in this life together, and helping others achieve their goals can get our own on track.

The following are 50 little things you can do to empower other people and get started down this path.

1. Give out compliments that you mean. Most people can see straight through a phony compliment, but if you think your friend looks especially nice today with that new hairstyle, tell her so. Just be open and direct in your interactions.

2. Speak and act with honesty. If you always speak with integrity and believe in your own words and actions, others will also pick up on this and mimic it, fostering an atmosphere of trust.

3. Listen to others. Always listen to what other people say. I used to zone out when others were speaking but now make a point of looking into their eyes and listening to their words, which has made a world of difference in personal interactions.

4. Help illustrate your points with visual aids. When leading a meeting or presentation, realize that many other people are visual learners. My girlfriend can’t understand a concept without a diagram to back it up.

5. Teach a class. If you have a skill or knowledge to share, why not teach your own class that helps spread it to others?

6. Get involved in community art projects. Artistic projects in the community are a great way to help get everyone involved in making the city a more beautiful place to live, instilling a sense of pride in all residents.

7. Mentor a child or student. Getting involved in one child’s life, especially if they are at-risk, helps you both make connections throughout your lifetime.

8. Volunteer with local organizations. These can be community discussion groups or of a more volunteer-oriented nature.

9. Lead a group on a travel expedition. My friend works for the local art museum leading groups of the elderly on art-oriented field trips around town and abroad, which helps everyone connect and learn something new.

10. Donate money to charity. If you have extra money, helping organize a fund for a pet cause helps bring the community together.

11. Help the spread of community health clinics. This can be done by volunteering yourself, or donating money. Either way, it can be vital in helping those who have problems affording health care to realize that they are still valued individuals and that their health matters.

12. Take the time to talk to strangers. That conversation that is simply small talk to you can mean a lot to someone else who is shy or feels that their opinion isn’t taken into consideration often enough.

13. Start a non-profit. This is a project that can be difficult but ultimately rewarding not only for you but for the others who become involved as well, helping you all to work together towards an ultimate goal.

14. Travel abroad and make new friends. Getting out there as an ambassador of sorts in the world helps you connect with others who may want to learn more about your culture but otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity. This ends up being a learning experience for both parties involved.

15. Reach out to friends and relatives at a distance. If you have lost touch with loved ones, give them a call and let them know that someone is thinking of them.

16. Be aware of body language. Your body language sends a strong message to others, so be aware if you have your arms folded across your chest while you talk that you are shutting others out, for example.

17. Be sincere. Your sincerity will help to make people feel appreciated.

18. Nurture talent in others. If you notice someone has a talent that they aren’t putting to use, let them know. Gently offer suggestions of where they may go to learn more. If the child you are mentoring is constantly doodling, for example, get them signed up for an art class.

19. Go out and support local musicians. In every city there are unimaginable numbers of young struggling musicians who could be the next Beatles if given the chance. I’ve seen some amazing live acts recently by picking a name out of the listings and simply turning up in support.

20. Give thoughtful gifts. When giving gifts during birthdays or the holidays, take the time to think about what the person might really need or appreciate.

21. Join a community farm or grocery coop. Working together to provide fresh, sustainable food for the community is one of the hot trends in some community organizations.

22. Volunteer in schools. Though it might sound cliché, young people are our future indeed, and helping out in schools that are struggling financially can make a big difference in a young person’s life. Be a positive role model.

23. Stay in touch with local politics. Helping others get empowered means also being kept up to date with the latest in what is going on in your own town.

24. Throw dinner parties with a mixed range of guests. Get together a group of people who don’t necessarily know each other yet but you feel that their personalities might mesh well together. This is how we learn from one another.

25. Smile more often. There is an anonymous quote that states, “A smile confuses an approaching frown.”

26. Use public transportation. Not only is this better for the environment, but it gives you a chance to interact more with the community.

27. Organize recycling projects. This helps give back to the community and teaches people about the need to respect our natural environment, which is empowering for all.

28. Run a benefit event. Leading a team of volunteers; set up a means for raising money for a cause that you all are interested in. This can be a chain reaction, with the volunteer team then feeling more empowered to go a step further with its own charity efforts.

29. Project positivity and eliminate negative thoughts. This positivity will then be returned by others.

30. Join a book group or club. The exchange of ideas tends to be helpful for all people involved, and can spark new business or interpersonal ideas in between all of you.

31. Start or join a language exchange program. This helps foster feelings of competency in a foreign country for someone who may be feeling like an outsider, and also helps you build your own language skills.

32. Lead team-building exercises at work. This can go beyond old-fashioned trust falls to more imaginative retreats. My friend recently led his team out in a wild-mushroom foraging expedition, which was a unique way for them to learn something new as well as get to know each other, in a beautiful outdoor setting.

33. Encourage social activities. Get new social activities planned within your group of friends, your family, or in a larger community sense.

34. Initiate physical contact. In this society in particular, there is a hesitance to touch one another. By simply placing a hand on someone’s shoulder, you are helping to reconnect with that person.

35. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them. Don’t wait till it’s too late to let someone you love know how you feel about him or her. Life is wonderful but short.

36. Make sure the atmosphere at work is a democratic one. Let everyone’s opinion be heard, and be sure to give feedback to their ideas.

37. Nod your head when someone is making a point. A simple piece of non-verbal communication like this can help inspire someone to move forward in the discussion more.

38. Help foster creativity. If someone is talented, tell them so. Andy Warhol was notoriously shy as a child and perhaps would never have branched out to become the powerful artist he is now known as if someone had not said a few words of encouragement to him in his early art classes.

39. Run meetings with an open, discussion oriented atmosphere. Whether at work or in a larger community sense, let everyone know their opinion is valued.

40. Have suggestions ready for those who need advice. This means taking the time to think about your own behavior, past mistakes, and how you’ve moved forward. With this information in hand, you will be well equipped to advise others.

41. Take walks to new areas of town. I’ve met some of my good friends by simply walking around in their neighborhood and having to ask for directions.

42. Spend time planting trees in the community. This helps improve the overall beauty and positive feelings in the city, instilling a sense of pride in other residents.

43. Set up a food or blanket drive. This helps others in the community and empowers the other volunteers by letting them see they can make a difference.

44. Learn inspiring quotes that can be doled out. As Bill Gates once said, “The vision is really all about empowering workers.”

45. Learn new listening techniques. This can be a combination of proper responses and cocking your head at the right time to show someone else their opinion matters.

46. Study psychology. A friend of mine went back to school to be a psychologist in order to reach out to people on a scientific level, but even a few basics of human behavior are both interesting and can help you be more effective in interpersonal communications.

47. Give a helping hand. Whether it’s helping someone who fell to get back up, or picking up something that spilled in the supermarket, it shows you care, which is empowering.

48. Give encouragement instead of criticism. Dale Carnegie said, “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.” Every one of us has the magic power of empowering other people simply by generously giving praise and showing encouragement instead of criticism to help them realize their potential.

49. Take time for yourself to help others. By taking the time to sit and reflect upon my own actions each day, I find I’m better able to mentally be available for others when out in public or at home with my family. You can do the same.

50. Learn intervention techniques. In the event that someone you know is struggling with addiction, this is a way to help them get over it and empower themselves to get back on track.

Do you have any tip on how we can empower other people? Please share with us in the comment section below.

Discover how to achieve all that you want in life in The 77 Traits of Highly Successful People. Mark Foo has brought together 48 personal development bloggers and writers to co-author this success eBook that spells out all the success secrets. Claim your FREE copy of the eBook now at http://www.77SuccessTraits.com.

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Note: This is a guest post from Thanh Lu of www.thanhdlu.com

You always hear that relationship is the basis for long term personal and business success. “Care” is the only strategy you need to connect and establish a great relationship that is based on trust and friendship. In Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People, getting people to like you and having genuine relationships with other people is the essence to a good quality of life. There are numerous reminders to nurture relationship and make the other person feel appreciated. I always wondered what that meant – how do you translate that into actions? How do you really translate that into real actions to be equivalent to creating a bond with another person? Abstract goals need to be measurable in real actions.

Below are 9 actions to build relationships with others:

1. Ask about their families/pets/significant others

Nothing gets to the heart of the matter faster than a person’s parents or girlfriend or boyfriend. In your conversations, ask about the people that are close to them. Even a simple “How are your parents/girl/boyfriend?” bring out a human element that creates an opportunity for bonding.

2. Talk about their interests/hobbies/current events

It’s common wisdom that people love to talk about their hot buttons. Find something, an idea or a philosophy or a hobby that others are passionate about and just ask a question. With the power of social media today it is not hard to find hot buttons to focus on.

3. Give small token of gifts

Small gifts go a long way; a small gift shows that you’re thinking of them, that you invested thoughts into them. Some examples of gifts could be: gift certificates, movie tickets, candy, snacks, baked goods, shirt, hat, cards, lunch, stationery, etc. Small gifts are often more meaningful than bigger gifts on special occasions as they provide reminders of the relationship more often than gifts on special occasions.

4. Better yet – give personalized gifts

Make a gift that you are good at in your hobby. Whether it is writing, painting, technology, computers, these personalized gifts can be practical. Upgrade a computer program, knit a scarf, crochet, sew a shirt, or make a photo album – these ideas create memories and plenty of usage.

5. Get involved and bring ideas

People are always working on some projects, professionally or personally. Get involved and bring ideas. People express themselves through their work, as a hobby or in business. When you dive into something they’re working on and offer resources and your findings, you tell the other person you appreciate them for who they are and who they’re trying to be.

6. Ask good questions, and then listen

When people vent and talk about the problems they’re facing, listen and ask questions. Ask good questions. You get to know people through their struggles and challenges.

7. Always start with a positive introduction

Greet people with an upbeat persona. A strong hello or a smile makes a huge difference in a person’s day. And everyone wants that sense of recognition that comes through in your positive greetings.

8. Be comfortable. Be real. Be authentic you.

Don’t forget to be who you are. When you’re comfortable, you’re real. Show up to your friend’s house. Call unexpectedly. Drop by your colleague’s place for lunch. Be goofy or be intense. When you are who you are, you share a part of that with the other person, creating a stronger bond.

9. Reach a little further and reach out to their significant others

Nothing says more that you care than when you reach beyond that person to their family and friends. Send birthday cards to their family members or loved ones. Buy a toy for their siblings or a snack for their pet. Families and friends are extensions of who we are, so when others notice us for those extensions, it creates stronger bonds.

Thanh likes to blog about success, social cultures, and moral wisdom at www.thanhdlu.com . She explores insights and perspectives for a good quality of life.

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