I wish someone had told me that when I started blogging. It would have saved me a lot of energy and internal doubt.
You see, I’m definitely not an expert. I love writing and I’m incredibly opinionated. But when it comes to giving life advice, I’m just another 21-year old kid.
I was 17 when I started this blog, and my deepest fear was being rejected on the basis that I was too inexperienced. I knew I wasn’t an expert of any sorts, so starting a website around getting more from life seemed a tad arrogant.
It took me a few years, but eventually I realized that my fears were completely unwarranted. Not because I was actually an expert (I’m not entirely sure what that word means anymore). But because I realized people don’t actually want experts.
How a 17-Year Old Can Create a Top 5000 Blog
There was a point where this blog was briefly in the top 5000 list of blogs on the internet. Of course, this blog has continued to grow, but as more blogs enter the scene maintaining that position gets harder and harder. I think I’m around 14,000 according to Technorati’s ranking algorithm, but that’s besides the point.
This success defied my “expert hypothesis”. I clearly wasn’t an expert, yet I was actually getting a decent volume of traffic to my website. What was up with that?
I had two theories:
Either I had confused people into believing I was a guru, when I was not.
Or people didn’t actually care that I wasn’t an expert.
Considering the emails I occasionally get, I don’t doubt that I did the former in a few cases. That’s a big part of the reason in my shift of writing style to acknowledge my weaknesses as much as possible, to avoid a distorted representation of myself.
But, for the most part I don’t believe readers here have any delusions of who I am.
The truth, I later discovered, is that people didn’t care that I wasn’t an expert. It wasn’t my expertise they were linking and visiting this blog for. It was the story. The enthusiasm of someone sharing something they are deeply interested in, and spending a lot of time thinking about.
What People Actually Care About
I recently ran a reader survey where I asked them what the major advantage this blog has, over other blogs in the lifestyle design, self-improvement, productivity niches. The main answer, surprisingly enough was: me.
It wasn’t that my advice was always better. Instead, it was that I was like many of my readers. I was a student, pursuing self-improvement in an often cynical world, and trying to cross the chasm between university and full-time entrepreneurship.
It was the story, not the ideas themselves, that people wanted to hear.
I believe the expertise-wave of information is dying. Newspapers are being replaced by amateur reporters. YouTube is toppling regular television. Blogging is replacing traditional published books as a source of non-fiction.
I’m only a minor example of the storyteller model of information. Some other great bloggers that have won, in my opinion, more because of the stories they create than the expertise they offer:
Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Nonconformity – Most of Chris’s posts aren’t educating the masses, they are just cohering a story. One where people can escape the 9-5, travel to every country on earth and reject conformity.
Leo Babauta of Zen Habits – Being a humble, genuine guy, I doubt Leo would consider himself the model of expertise. I believe the real reason Zen Habits grew is it connected readers with a story: one of ignoring the complexities of modern life in favor of calmness and simplicity.
Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project – Maybe the best example here, Gretchen writes in an honest style that doesn’t propose to have all the answers. Instead, she’s managed to collect readers who share her goal of finding more happiness in life.
A lot of would-be bloggers are intensely passionate about their subject, but hold off on writing because, “they aren’t experts.”
They forget that I’m not an expert, nor are half the successful writers online today. We’re storytellers, collecting people who share the same enthusiasm.
In my article, I give my thoughts on people who are passionate about many things. My feeling is that, while focusing on one pursuit to get results is good, that doesn’t mean you can’t explore others in your spare time.
Cal shares a different view. He argues that to be passionate about something requires skill in a craft. So if you have no passions, it simply means you haven’t mastered a skill sufficiently that the world rewards and recognizes you for it.
Cal’s response to the titular question in my previous article is that people don’t generally have many passions, just superficial interests that haven’t been developed yet.
The Mastery-Centric View of Passion
For the most part, I agree with Cal. Passion is a by-product of mastery.
When I first started exercising, I found it to be a struggle. Now that I’m in decent physical shape, I find exercise to be more enjoyable.
Blogging definitely became more enjoyable once I started to actually receive comments on my posts.
I also agree that this view stresses, in Cal’s words, the painstaking construction of a passion, instead of just stumbling upon it. It’s the difference between a relationship that grows with time and the expectation of love at first sight.
Passions are Constructed, Interests Aren’t
The only objection I have to the mastery-centric viewpoint is that it assumes that mastery is always the missing ingredient. If you don’t enjoy something, the solution isn’t to become better at it. Often this is a worse strategy because it’s hard to become good at something you aren’t interested in.
My split would be to say that passions are built, but interests are discovered. I agree that the person waiting for life to provide them with a passion is a fool. However, I’d say the same of the person hoping they will fall in love with a pursuit that doesn’t interest them.
As I argued in this article, if you’re trying to find out what you want to do with your life, look for sparks. If your interested in a topic, consider mastering it. You don’t need to fall head-over-heels in love with a subject to make it your primary focus. Those feelings often come with time.
Once again, I feel the approach to finding a career/life path is like finding a relationship. Most people aren’t naive enough to believe that they are going to be instantly in love from the first meeting.
But at the same time, if you aren’t at least attracted to someone, there is little potential. The interest needs to be there before you can be passionate. Arranged marriages (both literally and in career choices) won’t work if there is no initial attraction.
For the Multi-Interested
As I said in the last article, enjoy your various interests. That doesn’t mean you can’t focus on mastering one, and make it your main pursuit.
For the Lost and Confused
Worrying about finding a passion has it backwards. Tap into your interests and work to master them. Mastery creates passion out of interests.
My exception to Cal’s argument shouldn’t be taken as an attack on his approach as a whole. I thought the original article was well written and definitely worth reading if you’re interested in these ideas.
With water and sun, an acorn can become an oak. But a pebble will always be a pebble.
“Take all of your wasted honor, Every little past frustration, Take all of your so called problems, Better put em in quotations. Say what you need to say.” – John Mayer, Say.
Imagine you had something to say to someone close to you but they died before you mustered up the courage. Imagine you needed to talk to your lover about something but were too afraid and so lived your life in silence. Today I had the idea that we would tell them here. Call it a practice round but I want everyone who has something to say to someone to leave a comment here. Say what you need to say.
Why should I?
Quite often it is music that plants a seed in my head. And quite often that music comes from John Mayer. I recently found myself listening to “Say” with tears in my eyes. The tears weren’t because I had missed an opportunity to say something to someone I loved, but because I realized how painful that situation must be. And I thought about all the people out there who are living with that desperation. Listen to the song.
If you do not have the courage to go and talk to that person I want you to leave a comment here as if you were telling them in person. Imagine that this post is a place where you can come, offload your problem, and begin the process of healing or of developing the courage to tell them in person. If you know someone who should talk to a loved one, send them this link and encourage them to leave a comment.
What should I say?
Whatever is on your mind, say it. It could be something you need to tell your wife or husband. It might be as simple as “I love you”. Or you might need to tell your father that he was a lousy parent and that you are angry at him. Or perhaps you need to tell him how amazing he was. Maybe you need to yell at your Government because you feel like you aren’t being heard. Or perhaps you need to say something to yourself.
With Thanksgiving coming, let’s remember once again how important it is to be grateful for what we have. Don’t be so busy with your life that you never stop and count your blessings. Don’t just want more and more without ever expressing your gratitude for what you already have.
I recently read You: The Owner’s Manual, a very good book on health. There is plenty of good advice there. But reading the book also made me realize one thing: there are so many things that could go wrong in our bodies. Your body has hundreds (if not thousands) of parts and if even one of them goes wrong, you will suffer. What if you couldn’t see or hear? What if your kidney didn’t do its job? Being healthy is a great blessing but we often take it for granted.
The same thing applies to practically every other aspects of our lives. A few days ago I had a power outage. There was no electricity which meant no computer, no Internet, no television, and even no lighting. The outage lasted for just a few hours but it made me realize how important electricity is to our modern lives. I took electricity for granted and only when it was gone did I feel how important it actually is.
I can continue on and on but the message is clear: don’t take things for granted. Be grateful. Even seemingly small things matter.
Everyone likes talking about secrets. The “secrets” of productivity. The “hacks” to accomplish more.
What about the really obvious things?
In my opinion “hacks” and “secrets” account for only a small proportion of your ability to accomplish more. It’s the really obvious things that account for most of it.
Unfortunately, obvious solutions are ignored by most writers. Typically for two reasons:
Obvious doesn’t make headlines or sell books.
Obvious things are often impossible to change. We like actionable advice. Telling someone how to reorganize their desktop is actionable. Telling them that having kids is a productivity drain doesn’t stop people from procreating.
So what are the “obvious” ways to be more productive?
#1 – Be Single and Childless
It’s easier to work heavily when you’re not responsible for anyone but yourself.
This isn’t an argument not to get married or have kids. There are things in life far more important than the number of hours you can put into your career. For many people this will be a wonderful tradeoff. Just accept it is a tradeoff.
If you accept this, it means that your single and childless years are probably a better-than-average time for starting something remarkable (that requires a lot of work).
#2 – Love What You Do
Procrastination is life’s way of telling you that you hate your work.
The best way to be more productive isn’t to have more lists, action items and goals. It’s to love what you do. Sorry for all the people in shit jobs, but it’s true.
#3 – Be Insanely Obsessive
Forget life balance. The world’s most accomplished superstars are almost always obsessed to an extreme degree. Way beyond what is healthy or normal.
Does this mean life balance isn’t valuable? Of course not.
Just keep in mind that for every person who works a highly efficient 6 or 8 hour day, there is someone working a highly efficient 12 or 14 hour day. Often, because they are obsessed and have no life outside their obsession.
#4 – Be Immune to Rejection
I’m sure you’ve all heard the folk tale about the entrepreneur who pitched his idea 1000 times, only to get the door slammed on his face each time. Then on the 1001st time, he sells it and becomes a millionaire.
The sad fact is, most people wouldn’t get past 10 or 12, never mind 1000. Really accomplished people have an almost masochistic immunity to rejection. It’s not that they have lots of willpower, just that getting rejected 1000 times doesn’t bother them.
Unfortunately, most of us sting when we get turned down, so the most we can hope for is aspiring to be the folk hero. Even if, in reality, we hate being rejected.
#5 – Have Your Project as a Full Time Job
If your side business is your full-time job, productivity is easy. Because you have nothing else you need to do all day.
As I’ve written about before, that isn’t a reality for most new entrepreneurs. I run this business in addition to full-time studies. Most other successful people started in their spare time. But, out of necessity, not because having a full-time job doesn’t drain you.
#6 – Be Boring
There’s a myth flying around that says rockstar, adventure-having, travel-happy people are also getting the most work done. I think this is ridiculous.
The people who get the most work done, spend most their time working. Not base jumping and wandering the world as a vagabond.
Of course, because these people are usually passionately obsessed, they don’t see their work as boring. They probably can’t imagine doing anything else.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t travel, have adventures or be interesting. As with all these points, just realize you’re making a deliberate tradeoff when designing your life.
#7 – Know People and Be an Extrovert
Inward focused loners don’t do well. Not because they lack intelligence, talent or even a fierce work ethic. But simply because the world rewards people who are well connected.
Introverts, like myself, often want to make comparisons between the stupid jocks and intelligent nerds. We like to point out how rich and famous Bill Gates is and focus on the minimum wage jobs our now beer-bellied, former high-school rivals now have.
But for every ten smart nerds and dumb cool kids, there is one person who is smart, extroverted and likable. That person is your real competitor.
(Oh, and Bill Gates made heavy use of his personal network when building Microsoft)
#8 – Speak the Language Fluently
If you can’t read, write and speak correctly in the language of your field, productivity hacks don’t matter.
I feel sorry for many freelancers trying to compete in an international design or programming marketplace. They will often be passed up for less talented, more expensive designers who can speak the language fluently. It’s unfair, but communication trumps talent in many cases.
For the current moment, English is the dominant language in business. That may change in the next 50 years, so native English speakers shouldn’t anticipate linguistic dominance forever.
As someone who is currently learning a second language, I can say this equally applies for accomplishing anything in a non-English speaking country or field.
#9 – Have a High Self-Esteem
This point is a bit of a double kick to the groin for people who have low self-esteem.
Unfortunately, it’s true. If you feel good about yourself and the work you do, its easier to get more done without the agonizing doubt and tortuous procrastination.
I don’t think self-esteem can be faked, the way some people would like it to be. Nor can it be given by friends and family “supporting” whatever your doing. It’s something internal that comes with experience.
The real question is: if you don’t feel good about yourself or the work you do, why is that? And what are you going to do to change it?
#10 – Be Happy
I think the vision some of us have of alcoholic, suicidally depressed people who achieve extreme success is limited to artists, writers and maybe some politicians. For most of us, we’ll get a lot more done when we’re happy.
This last point is the exception to all the rules above. If something makes you unhappy, it will also probably make you unproductive. Design a life that makes you happiest, and not just one that cranks out the accomplishments.
“A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them.” – Vernon Howard
Stress, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The modern world is overflowing with emotional problems of all different kinds. And chances are you or someone you know has suffered from some form of emotionally unhealthy state. So how can we avoid these problems? Are there things we can do to prevent them coming about?
In this post I am going to present the lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy. I hope it helps someone out there.
What is emotional health?
Before I present any ideas about emotional health I need to define it. Without a solid idea we really won’t know what were talking about and we will get lost.
Emotional health is not a single state of mind like “pleasure” or “joy” but an ongoing process. Emotional health is a conversation, a journey and above all it is work. It will change and you will go up and down. Even the most emotionally healthy person will have bad days. But those bad days are all part of the process, and they’re aware of it.
Emotional health is all about gathering new tools and methods to constantly better your mind. It is flux.
To be emotionally healthy you need to spend a lot of time being open and learning. As soon as you close your mind to new ideas or information you cut yourself off from the possibility of being healthy. This post could perhaps serve as a starting point. It is by no means the end point. Read, research, study and practice. And never give up, because emotional health is an ongoing process.
I have always found it extremely interesting that today’s society will place a massive emphasis on physical well being but almost nothing is done about the mental state. Unless you are suffering from serious depression or some other mental illness, you don’t hear anything about “working on your mind” or “developing emotional health”. And this is quite troubling.
Imagine how happy we could be if we spent as much time working with our emotions as we did running on the treadmill or cooking a healthy dinner. Imagine how different the world would be if there was less anger and more compassion. I think it would be a very different place.
What I am going to show you in this post, however, is that you don’t need to necessarily sit on a cushion or take separate time out to become emotionally healthy. In fact, going to the gym and cooking a nice meal is a big part of emotional health. Stick around and see if you learn something new and, as always, leave a comment if I have forgotten anything.
Now for the main bulk of the post. Here I am going to present some ideas that you can use work with your emotions in order to become more emotionally healthy. Remember, this is a long term project that you will have to stick at for the rest of your life. You will, however, start to see results right away.
1. Understand you are in control of your emotions
The very first step you need to take on this journey is to realize that you are in control of your emotions. This fact is lost on the modern world; many of us become slaves to anger and depression and stress. But when you turn that around and start to understand that you are the boss of what goes on in your head, you are suddenly left with a very workable situation. Without this understanding, however, no progress can be made.
2. Become familiar with your mind through meditation
Once you have conviction that you are in control of your emotions, you need to become familiar with them through meditation. Now, meditation does not mean sitting on a cushion saying “OOMMM” over and over. Sure it can be that, but it is not only that. The way to meditate is to constantly bring your attention to your thoughts and just let your mind relax in that.
The Tibetan word for meditation is “gom” which means “to familiarize”. This gives us a great insight into what meditation is supposed to be. It is not about relaxing so much as it is about familiarizing ourselves with positive states of mind. Compassion, love, patience, silence. And the very interesting thing about meditation is that these states of mind arise naturally when you just start to look at your mind.
How does this work? Simple. According to Buddhism the nature of every being is compassionate. We are not inherently evil and we are not naturally sinners. Naturally we are compassionate but we have lost connection with that innate part of our being. But looking at the mind re-connects us with that state because we all of a sudden get in control of our minds. And when we get in control of our minds the first thing we feel is sadness for all those people out there who are still struggling. It is an intensely powerful moment in your life.
If you want to learn more about meditation you can check back on some of my other articles:
One of the best things you can do for yourself if you want to become happy and proficient in controlling your mind is learn from someone who has already done it. There are so many wonderful meditation teachers in our world, I encourage you to connect with one. And that leads us to our next point.
3. Connect with good people and avoid bad company
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about avoiding bad company which ruffled up some feathers. A got a few emails that day saying that I was a disloyal friend and that you should stick by your mates even if they are bad for you. Okay, fine. I agree. You should stick by your bad mates if you are able to do so without them being a negative influence on you. But when you see yourself in a downward spiral it is time to leave them alone.
Surrounding yourself with good company is one of the most important life lessons a person can learn. Once a dear friend of mine told me that you will become the average of your five closest friends so make sure you choose wisely. I did. I chose people who were happy, successful and who worked for the betterment of others. I very rarely spend time with people who are selfish, hateful and bigoted. The Buddha once said:
“Put a rose in a sack of fish and soon the rose starts to stink too.”
Now there is no problem visiting people with the motivation of helping them or cheering them up. That is a wonderful thing to do. But if you are best friends with a drug addict racist who starts to rub off on you then you are in for problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to surround yourself with people who are living a life you wish to emulate. Let them rub off on you.
4. Practice ethical behavior to avoid depression, anxiety and fear
Once you have become familiar with your mind and have made a commitment to stay emotionally healthy it is important to live an ethical life. Without a solid basis of ethical behavior there is no chance for long term happiness. So why are ethics so important? Let’s take a look.
The first thing you will notice about an unethical or mean person is that they have very few true friends. They may have followers or people around them who latch on out of fear, but they have no trusted confidants. And that is a very lonely place to be. In fact, it is a situation that will eventually drive you crazy.
It is also important to realize that negative acts come back to you. If you spend your life stealing or cheating on your girlfriends the chances are your reputation will come back to haunt you. And I am not just talking about other people being mad at you. Soon you will begin to feel guilty. Imagine living your whole life hurting others and to be in the last stages of your life and feel intense regret. It would be an emotion so crippling that you would struggle to cope. Life your life without regrets.
5. Read the masters and scholars of the past
Will Smith is a Hollywood star that many people admire for his staunch opposition to gangster rap that denigrates women and encourages violence and his lifetime pursuit of being a “nice guy”. A few years ago I saw a video of Will Smith speaking to thousands of kids at a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards ceremony. What he said really knocked my socks off.
The human race has an amazing history full of struggles and hardships. But out of those hardships have come some amazing thinkers. There have been men and women who, instead of picking up a sword or gun, have sat thinking. Their messages have been passed down the generations long after the wars were over. And now we are left with a gold mine of knowledge and wisdom. These people left a legacy that we should feel honored to be a part of and study. Like Will said, there are no new problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to take a look at what the great adepts of the past have thought and said about being emotionally healthy.
Let me give you a little introduction to a few great minds that have affected my life. A starting point for you.
The Buddha was a revolutionary, possibly the first of his kind. He sat under a tree and developed theories that have served as the basis for most philosophical thinking. Start with the Buddha’s teachings and work your way forward through history. Study the European philosophers and the masters of meditation from India, China and Japan. Do this and you will be well on your way to emotional health.
6. Avoid man made food, eat naturally
For most of my youth I failed to recognize the link between food and depression. I, like most teenagers, ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of sugary sodas. And I felt crap, all the time. If you want long term emotional health you need to be very careful about what you put in your body.
To prove this point to yourself I want you to go out and buy the most unhealthy lunch you can. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC or some other deep fried animal should do the trick. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. Are you more irritable? Are you more depressed and tired? Are you quicker to anger? I bet you are. Now for dinner I want you to have a meal that contains nothing man made. That means no pasta, baked goods or anything produced in a factory. Make something full of colorful vegetables and natural products. Avoid meat if you can. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. How much more energetic, happy and alive do you feel?
The thing about food is that it can change your life. If you eat poorly you are more likely to get cancer, heart disease and diabetes. If you eat well you can live longer, avoid illness and look super sexy. So why do we always opt for the bad choice? Laziness? I’m not sure. Eating well is a big part of being emotionally healthy.
7. Enjoy the middle
Quite often the reason we get unhealthy emotionally is because we do things in excess. Instead of partying once a week we do it four times a week. Instead of eating junk food on the weekends we eat it on the weekdays. Instead of having one coffee per day we have seven. A key to being emotionally healthy is doing things in moderation. Quite often it isn’t that something is inherently bad for us, it is just that we do it too often.
8. Develop strength in your own personal set of values
Emotional health is not just avoid depression and learning to cope with stress. That is just a tiny fraction of what we are talking about. Emotional health is also become a less angry person, considering other human beings in a different way and improving yourself on a variety of levels. One of the ways you can improve your emotional health is to develop a set of values and stick to them.
When I was in high school I remember hearing that “the measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry“. I found this statement to be extremely inspiring and decided then and there that I was going to avoid anger at all costs. The more I looked into the statement the more I realized how much other people respected calm, strong and un-angry people. This was something I was going to follow through.
Over time life has thrown me many more of these lessons. Compassion, love, patience. All of these ideas I have tried to adopt into my own persona and stick to them no matter what. And it has been an amazing source of strength. Whenever I feel my emotional state slipping I remind myself of who I want to be and whip myself back on track.
Conclusion
Emotional health is all about working with your mind and your body to achieve some sort of personal mastery. It is a long process and along the way you will inevitably stagger, fault and make mistakes. But these mistakes all serve to make you stronger. If you want to stay emotionally healthy for your entire life you need to explore your mind, read philosophy, take care of your body and avoid extremes. If you can do even a few of these you will be far better equipped than the majority of the population.
So how emotionally healthy are you? Do you do most of these things already or do you have work to do? Most important, what have I missed?
Since writing, I’ve been happy to read hundreds of emails from people who say their learning habits have improved since implementing the ideas. In addition to the free articles and ebook, Learn More, Study Less continues to be the best seller on this website.
Even with the positive feedback, I still get a few emails per week from people asking for more. Unfortunately, until recently, all I could do was offer additional tips on a per person basis, which is difficult and inefficient.
Too Many People Read — Not Enough People Do
Part of the problem, I realized is that there is a big difference between the consumption of ideas and taking action on them.
This is especially true for holistic learning, which definitely isn’t a quick fix. As Liam Martin, friend and now holistic learner, commented to me, “Holistic learning is like martial arts. You don’t become a ninja by reading a list of tips, you become a ninja by training.”
So I decided to create a program that would fill this gap between consumption and action. A program that wouldn’t just give you the ideas, but also detailed implementation strategies, personal help and a kick in the ass to get started.
Announcing: Learning on Steroids
Learning on Steroids would be a monthly program with one goal in mind: implementing rapid learning strategies in your life.
I’m still in the process of designing the program (and would love your feedback!). But at the moment, the monthly program will probably consist of:
Twice monthly implementation guides. These would be short PDFs explaining a particular rapid learning tactic I use, along with detailed steps to implement it in your actual life.
Ass-kicking emails designed to push members to start new 30 Day Trials. You will be able to use the power of group support to switch from reading to taking action.
Personal email support. Get direct access to me through email, both for tracking your progress and to overcome any hiccups in getting started.
Having read Learn More, Study Less won’t be necessary to join the program. However, if you have read the book, it will probably give you a head start in implementing the rapid learning techniques.
Join the Pre-Launch Mailing List
Because this is a new program, space will probably be limited for the first few months. I’d rather deliver a great service to 100, than overextend myself and fail to deliver to 300 or more.
I’ll be offering early enrollment offers and bonuses to people who join the pre-launch mailing list. So if you’re interested in rapid learning, you can join here.
Many years ago, I came across a book by Anthony de Mello called Awareness. De Mello was an Indian Jesuit priest whose writing was condemned by the Roman Catholic Church. To me, he is a great source of inspiration, and he has much to say about happiness and pain.
Life is easy, life is delightful. It’s only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings.
One of De Mello’s key messages is that, by nature, life is not a struggle. Attachment – greed, craving, ambition – is the cause of all misery, and so to be detached is to be happy.
Does this mean we should have no preferences? Should we not want to achieve more? Should we not desire and seek out the good things in life? I think it would be absurd to say that we should have no preference between different experiences and conditions, but a distinction needs to be made between preference and attachment.
We are surrounded by contrast, and one can choose – and enjoy – different experiences, without being attached to them. To enjoy someone’s company without being clingy, to feel great pleasure when watching the sunset on a cool summer evening without mourning the coming of the night – we can have preferences and make choices about what we experience without craving them.
We are free to choose – and to prefer – some conditions over others. But when our preferences become cravings, then life becomes a struggle to achieve these conditions, and once we have achieved them, we start to worry about losing them.
An analogy might be going for a long walk in the country – there will be various different scenes, and each one can be enjoyed. Perhaps you have some preference for a certain view or a particular spot on the walk, and you might linger in one place for a while, but all of the different parts of the walk can be enjoyed along the way.
Happiness, it seems, is to accept the world as it is, enjoying the journey as we pass through and being appreciative of each stage on the way.
If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth
Trying to change the world in a forceful way is a foolish endeavor. Changing yourself may, in time, change things around you, but to ‘take on’ the world will probably not achieve much. Force may result in change, but it will be temporary and easily reversed. Real change is the result of quiet, patient working with the natural flow of things, just as water can cut a deep valley in a landscape.
Lao Tze, the semi-mythical Taoist sage, is said to have written in the Tao Te Ching, ‘By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.‘
The only thing you can truly change is yourself. In his book Choice Theory, William Glasser writes that we cannot force anyone to do anything. We are often brought up to think that we can change other people by our own efforts, but this ‘external control psychology’ is deeply misguided and leads to untold pain and misery.
We are responsible for our own happiness, and cannot derive happiness from the outside. Many (perhaps most) people, seem to think that happiness is caused by the outside world – including other people – conforming to certain conditions. People think things like, ‘I’ll be happy when I have my degree,’ or ‘I’ll be content when I’ve got a certain level of income,’ or ‘I’d be happy if my husband/wife/son/brother started behaving better.’ But relying on something outside to bring happiness is a mistake. It abdicates responsibility for our happiness and takes away our power. The truth is that we can only change ourselves, our attitudes, our thoughts, and our own level of happiness.
There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head.
If we can change only ourselves and not the world around us, it follows that we can be happier by changing our thoughts. Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman emperor-philosopher, observed this when he wrote ‘Our life is what our thoughts make it,’ and this is a sentiment which has been echoed by countless writers. From Napoleon Hill and Norman Vincent-Peale to Dale Carnegie, the vital importance of our thoughts in determining our experience of life has been emphasized again and again.
In summary, life should be easy and things can be achieved without a great deal of effort, and we can experience this ease by working with the natural grain of things, and not trying to use force. The way we think about things is the most important factor in our happiness and our achievement.
Edward Cullen. The name causes hearts all over the world to skip a beat. Chivalrous, dangerous, protective. His love for Bella, 90-odd years his junior, has captivated the hearts and minds of girls and women everywhere. They leave cinemas green with envy; wishing that that had a love like that.
In this post I want to look at this vampire love and explore some of the thoughts I had about Edward and Bella as I sat there in the New Moon screening. Is this love realistic? Is it harmful to the girls who long for it? Why is it so attractive?
BE INTERACTIVE: Leave a comment after the post and share your views. We have some extremely smart comment leavers here.
Why is Twilight so attractive to girls and women?
Let’s start this post by looking at why Twilight is so incredibly captivating to girls and women around the world. This will serve as a base for discovering whether or not it is a positive thing.
1. Edward is dangerous
Anyone who went to high school will know that some girls love the bad boy. They are attracted to the danger and the thrill of being associated with someone so loose. Edward takes this danger to a whole new level because he wants to eat Bella! Her smell intoxicates him. Add to the mix that a tiny cut on Bella’s finger can turn Edward’s relatives into a pack of blood-thirsty killers and you have yourself a dangerous man.
2. Chivalry is alive
Edward Cullen is extremely old fashioned. Having been turned into a vampire sometime in the early 1900’s he has a set of values that many women today long for. He is romantic and extremely chivalrous. Mix that in with the element of danger and you have a very attractive male figure.
Later in this post I will touch on why I am extremely happy to see this back in popular culture.
3. A mind reading protector
Some women love a protector. The love of being protected is something that, I have read, occurs naturally in many women due to the relationship with the father and the history of having a male go out and hunt for food and fend off dangers in ancient times. Nowadays women are completely independent of course and no longer need the protections of a male. But many of my female friends remarked that the way Edward fights for Bella is one of the most attractive things of all.
Before I get into the reasons why Twilight could be harmful to some relationships, I want to start with the positive and talk about why I am extremely happy that many young girls and boys are seeing these movies.
And it goes back to one word – chivalry.
A generation of teenagers valuing respect for women
I’m a male. And I have male friends. And when you go out with males you inevitable get onto the subject of women. Sex. And the conversations that take place are often enough to make your stomach crawl (my stomach anyway). Call me old fashioned, but I really struggle to participate in conversations where women are just games, sexual objects and described in vocabulary that you would never call your mother.
And for all intensive purposes one could say that this view of women is getting worse. Pornography is now more wide spread than ever. I recently read a statistic that the number of women appearing in pornographic material online doubles each year. Doubles. So when you mix the two facts that men are watching more pornography and more women are appearing in pornography you start to create a culture that has little respect for women other than as sexual beings.
But Twilight paints the relationship between boy and girl in a different light. Sure there is sexual tension and sure there is romance, but it is of a very respectful nature. Edward values Bella more than anything else on Earth and because of that value he behaves in very a chivalrous way. And this is a very important thing for young men to see women enjoying.
Now I would like to get into my usual critical self and talk about why I think the love portrayed in Twilight is potentially harmful.
They cannot live without each other
The most amazing thing about Twilight is also the most concerning. We all love to see how desperate Bella and Edward are for each other. When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon she sits by her window for months on end. She is depressed. She begins to seek out dangerous hobbies in order to feel close to him again. She cannot live without him.
Now let’s be honest, teenagers do not really need any encouragement in this area! We all remember what it was like with our first love. It had to go on forever because we simply could not live without them. The pain and the angst was crippling. And we all got hurt. And while the great love of Edward and Bella has created an incredible love story, it also paints relationships in an unrealistic light.
You can live without your partner. If they leave you it is not the end of the world. Your identity is completely separate from them and you will move on. If you know this then you can sit back and enjoy the eternal romance without any issues. But if you base your idea of a relationship on that of Edward and Bella’s then you are bound to have some problems.
Love does not last forever
Here is the part of the post where I say something that gets me into trouble. Especially if my gorgeous lady reads it. But I do not think it is true to think that love is eternal. I think it is a view that causes more problems than solutions and I think it is based on fear. Here’s why.
I love Mrs. Daily Minder with all my heart. I have loved her since high school and there has never been a day where I have stopped loving her. Captivated by her intelligence, her compassion and her companionship I imagine I will go on loving her til the day I die. But at death there is a separation. And it is a separation I want to be aware of. I do not want to ignore it.
As brutal as it may sound, I think the idea that love goes on forever and that you will meet in the afterlife is something people say to hide the painful truth that one day you need to part. We are not vampires that can live forever in some timeless romance. We are humans with bodies that get sick and die. And at that moment of death the attachment to your loved one will cause you immense suffering – you will struggle to let go.
Why the impermanence of love is a good thing
Understanding that you are going to have to leave your love is a good understanding to have. It is a very positive and workable situation. It is not a cause for depression.
Why?
Because all of a sudden you are pushed into a realistic world where you know that your time with this person is finite. Much like a person who has survived a serious illness, you now look at life and love in a new light and you do everything you can to make the most of the opportunity.
Imagine a marriage where you spend 50 years together knowing that you have to part and making the most of each day together.
What do you think?
Here is the interesting part. What do you think about Twilight? Do you think the ideas about love and chivalry portrayed in the movies are helpful or harmful? Why do you think it has captivated so many young women? Do you think I am wrong about love not lasting forever.
If you have many different passions, pursue all of them.
Recently, I’ve had a couple emails from readers explaining that their problem is simply having too many passions. Far from being members of the apathetic masses, these people seem to have difficulty focusing because there are simply so many things to be interested about.
I know I may incite a lot of disagreement for saying this: but I believe that it’s completely okay to have multiple passions and to pursue all of them.
The Comeback of the Renaissance Man (or Woman)
I believe today is a great time to be a renaissance man. The explosion of the internet as a platform, both for new businesses and in transforming old businesses, is creating more opportunities for multi-talented people.
As the world becomes more interconnected, I feel two major shifts are important to note:
Competition is increasing
The number of niche markets is increasing
I believe this means two positive things for the renaissance men and women out there:
First, because competition is increasing, specializing alone isn’t the best strategy. Being extremely good at your craft will always matter. Mediocrity sinks in a competitive world. However, with intense competition, being in the top 1% of your field could still put you in the bottom 100,000.
Diverse interests put you at an advantage here. Because although becoming the best at one common skill set is almost impossible, it is easier to become the best at an overlap between two or three different skills.
Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, offers himself as an example. He claims he isn’t the funniest, nor most artistic, person. But the overlap allowed him to be successful.
Second, as niche markets increase, bizarre skill sets that previously would only interest an insignificant minority may now be viable. Gary Vaynerchuk pointed out in a recent speech that, “…there’s a $70,000/year business providing reviews 0f Pinot Grigio wines out there.”
Even if only .01% of the world care about your passion overlap, that’s still over a half million potential clients or customers.
Renaissance Man or Obsessive Focus, Both Styles Can Work
First, I don’t want to claim that this means you need to start taking karate lessons, mastering Sudoku and learning Gaelic if those things don’t interest you. If you have one obsessive lifelong passion, pursue it. If you have many, don’t fight that either.
Even if you only have one passion, you can specialize in content to find your niche rather than explore the overlap between two different skills. The world is large, and there is a place for both styles.
I simply believe a lot of people who pursue many passions have been told, unfairly, that they need to stop daydreaming and get to work. Eliminate all the other interests but one. And, if you aren’t going to master something, it isn’t even worth beginning.
I definitely fit more into the multiple passions category than complete focus. I have interests in art, design, programming, nutrition, psychology, fitness, history, literature, public speaking, dance, language learning, cosmology and many other topics. I believe it gives me otherwise inaccessible opportunities in my main pursuits, writing and entrepreneurship.
Focus and Hard Work Still Matter
Having many different passions isn’t a bad thing, but a wonderful thing. That being said, this doesn’t reduce the need for focus or hard work. Just because you’re interested in a million different things, doesn’t mean it takes serious effort to become extremely good at one pursuit.
While exploring other interests on and off, I’ve devoted close to four years and thousands of hours into improving my writing and business skills. This website is a massive, continuous project. It didn’t just spring up during a brief obsession, but a long period of patient focus.
Whether you choose incredible specialization or a unique skill combination isn’t important. You still need to work hard. You still need to show up, every day, to improve your craft.
How Do You Combine Hard Focus and Multiple Passions?
Some time ago, I realized that productivity systems, discipline, motivation and all that Dave-Allen-goodness works well for doing the things you need to do.
But those same systems are really lousy at getting you to do the things you want to do. Putting a genuine curiosity on an action item list makes the curiosity a lot less genuine.
So my answer to the above question was to use my productivity systems, habits, discipline and focus to work on my projects and long term goals. But, at the same time, I don’t restrict myself from pursuing personal interests in my spare time.
Don’t Force Alternate Passions
I don’t force these alternate pursuits. When I was learning to salsa, two years ago, I didn’t put any pressure on myself to master it. My only goal was to enjoy the challenge of learning a new skill. Same for when I started creating photoshop art, reading classical history or, just recently, began learning Ruby.
From an outside perspective, it might appear to be a struggle to manage all these different tasks. Like the parents who send their kids to ballet, soccer, piano and language lessons every day after school.
However, since there is no pressure to achieve anything, these new skills are fun and relaxing. If I’d rather watch TV one day, I don’t force myself to do new things, I simply do these side pursuits because usually television is boring.
With my main passions, I apply a little (although not a lot of) discipline. I set goals, make to-do lists and push myself. With alternate passions, I just go wherever they take me.
The Unusual Benefits of Side Pursuits
Often these side pursuits eventually have an impact on my main pursuits in life. Aside from just being enjoyable, learning new, different skills, has a cumulative effect. When I started learning photoshop art, I wasn’t thinking that those skills would eventually allow me to illustrate my own books.
Do side pursuits always pay off, in a strictly economic way? No. But then again, economics aren’t the point.
If you have multiple passions, allow yourself to explore them. Don’t force it, but don’t draw a box around yourself just because the world tells you to.
I recently read 
![Mediating [Struggle For Pleasure]](http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1238/1428638563_9c234b0702.jpg)
Life is easy, life is delightful. It’s only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings.
